DJ's Journey to Surviving!

My Big Fat Purple Benefit

2012-02-28T13:14:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all the donors, sponsors, and attendees to My Big Fat Purple Benefit! What an incredible evening it was!! Most people have to die to have a celebration of life party, so I feel blessed and honored to have been able to attend my own party.

It was one of the best nights of my life. Don't miss the pictures http://edstreit.smugmug.com/Community-Events/Dawn-Jump-Benefit/2012-Dawn-Jump-Big-Fat-Purple!

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

18 days of surgery..........

2012-01-06T17:33:00.000-08:00

If I had this to do over again, I would have blogged each of the 18 days that I was in the hospital. It's so hard to recapture the true feelings one was feeling on any given day. I have a lot of mixed emotions about my time in the hospital. One one hand, I'm so grateful for the incredible staff and Doctors that were caring for me, and then on the other I was not sure I was going to make it.

The 12 hour surgery lasted twice as long as anticipated. THAT IS A LONG TIME TO BE OPEN ON THE TABLE and with that comes some horrible side affects in recOVERY. I felt good coming out of surgery in recovery knowing that they were successful in removing the tumor from not only my body, but don't forget it was attached to an artery. Dr. Rocha chipped away at my tumor for 12 hours!!!!!!!!! I honestly don't know how many surgeons would have had the tenacity to hold out that long and not give up. He even had a plan B if he couldn't get it removed from the artery but after 12 hours the tumor just let go from the artery (a miracle) and the rest is history.

I struggled the next 17 days. We would take a step forward in recovery only to take two steps backward the next day. It was 18 days of a roller coaster ride. I had tubes coming out my arms, my port and my nose. I was so bloated from all the fluids they had to pump into me during surgery that I had legs like an elephant. I avoided the mirror at my step=mother's request. LOL

One of the main complications that has my medical team bewildered was some swelling (some type of blockage) up near my pancreas. This problem went on for weeks and test after test still left them in the dark. I really got scared. We take for granted that when we are sick the Dr's will access the situation and treat the problem. What scared me, is they could not figure out what the problem was. They had me scheduled for scope surgery to go in again and investigate the problem, and yet I was running out of patience. I just wanted to come home..............after two weeks there was nothing I wanted more. However, I knew I had to be able to take in food and keep it down before they would ever release me. Up to this point they had been feeding me through a pick line in my arm that was directly placed in my heart.

We started me on boost shakes and as soon as I kept one of those down I started to negotiate my release. I wanted to be disconnected from all the tubes, especially the one up my nose and then I would start eating and if I kept the foods down they would release me on that Thursday before Christmas. And so it was done.

You should have seen me.............as soon as I was disconnected from all the tubes I be lined so fast to the bathroom and into the shower I think I left a burn mark on the vinyl floor. That was the best shower I ever had in my life. LOL I had just had daily sponge baths up to that day. I am still amazed at all the things we take for granted in our lives...............like a shower. LOL

My homecoming was so emotional............there are no words to describe how overwhelmed I was with gratitude when I came sat on our sofa. Looking at all the holiday decor and just realizing what a miracle it is that I was alive to enjoy the holidays with my family and friends. I mean there was a 95% chance that I was not going to be here and here I am. There are just so many miracles that had to factor in to get me to this point.................from my original Dr. ordering a CT scan to begin with so he could discover my tumor and my oncologist with his aggressive chemo (which yes almost killed me) and then a surgeon that is willing to chisel away on a tumor for 12 hours until he had it all removed. Then there is my family that drove up from Alabama and stayed her for 8 months to take care of me and then all my friends raising money to help me with the financial burden this has placed on me. I am also deeply touched from all the prayers..........prayers from people that didn't even know me....................if you didn't believe in God, you would have to now as this whole journey has ended in am amazing miracle.

I spend my days resting at home, and letting my body heal. Dr's tell me it will be 12 weeks before I feel somewhat normal. I don't sleep well because it's hard to get comfortable. There is always some sort of discomfort going on in my gut. I'm trying to be patient though. I'm thrilled to have lost 33 lbs so far. I feel amazing over that!!!!

Thank you so much for all the cards and prayers. I got threw all my mail this week. I really can't begin to say thank you enough. I really hope each of you will join me in celebrating my miracle on Feb. 18th and the big fat purple benefit in Browns Point. What an amazing miracle. I feel as though I have a 2nd chance at life to be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and Realtor.

I want to share my story with as many people as possible in hopes that I can help others. I really think anyone going thru chemo needs a cancer coach to hold their hand. I understand what people stop going to chemo and give up yet would feel honored to help them keep fighting until they have their own miracle.

Happy New Year and may 2012 be your best year yet!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

One more thing....

2011-12-03T10:29:00.000-08:00

I forgot to say THANK YOU to who ever stopped by my house on Thursday and left a happy at my front door. Obviously you know I only eat dark chocolate......and the ornament is on my tree! The card was not signed so I have no idea who dropped it off............but THANK YOU and sorry that I missed you. xoxoxo

One more hurdle

2011-12-03T10:22:00.000-08:00

I got the green light this week for surgery scheduled on Monday December 5th. Check in is at 5:30am and the Dr. will make his first incision by 8:30am. Surgery is expected to be 6-8 hours followed by a 7-10 day stay at the wonderful Virginia Mason downtown Seattle.

I'll be honest, I have a lot of mixed emotions and the closer the day is the more mixed they get. LOL I'm excited that chemo is behind me and I made it this far and am an actual surgical candidate. If you remember when I started this journey, I wasn't. My biggest concern is the artery that my tumor is attached too. Am praying that it's not too attached to remove since that would be fatal for me. Oh, the Dr. said they would do everything they can to prolong my life........a life of chemo and treatments, no thanks!

I am really optimistic and know that I have the cancer beat! It will shock me if they find any hidden cancer. I'm convinced I nipped that evil disease long ago. Not looking forward to a week in the hospital but hoping I"ll have some visitors along the way to keep me from getting too lonely. My first day will be spent in step down ICU but then the 2nd day I'll get my own room. I assume it will be my own????

This has been a long 7 months but so much good has come from it so far. I've been so deeply torched and moved by the amount of support from not only my family and friends, but total strangers. This journey has allowed me to see the best in everyone. Life is sooooo good! and the people in it are what make this world go round.

I still have most of my chemo side affects. Dr says it takes about 6 weeks before people start seeing them go away so I still have a few more to go...............most excited for the day I wake up and my eyes are not watering profusely.

Please save the date and celebrate with me being cancer free on February 18th at the Browns Point Improvement Club down on the waterfront. It will be a night to remember filled with food folks and lots and lots of fun! You can go to www.CancerDiva.com and order your tickets. They are $50 a piece and that includes dinner, beer and wine. There will be music and karaoke!! You all have been on this journey with me so only fair that we celebrate this victory together!

It's already December so I wanted to take this time to wish you and your family a really wonderful holiday. Please don't get too caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays so you can enjoy what's really important.....your family and friends. If there's one thing I've learned on this journey it's that PEOPLE make your life magical.

LIVE WITH PASSION and Happy Holidays!
DJ

It's a wrap!

2011-11-18T16:51:00.000-08:00

All done with chemo as of Nov. 3rd!!! YIPPIE YAHOO! The week that followed almost killed me though. I spent the week in bed throwing up unable to keep even the littlest sip of water down. My Dad moved in with me that week and was by my bedside and there for my every need. Once we got to the hospital for follow up xrays and ct scan, my blood pressure was 54/22. NOT GOOD. The staff immediately put things in motion to get my IV hooked up to some new meds for nausea and some nutrients.

It has been a long six months. I almost can't believe it's over and now all I have to do is rest up for surgery scheduled for Dec. 5th. I have a new surgeon but I love him (Dr. Rocha) as much as I do Dr. Ryan who must be going into retirement. Rocha is younger but lots of experience and so incredibly patient with me. I am very optimistic that as complicated and long (6-8 hours) as this surgery will be, that the outcome will be very positive. Apparently, not only did my tumor disappear off the ct scan, so did my pancreas. LOL This of course is going to increase my odds of coming out of surgery with diabetes... a common side affect from surgery. Not looking forward to that but I'd rather be alive with diabetes than dead from cancer..................right?

Good news is I'm going to lose lots of weight..........or so the Dr says. LOL There is lots of good news actually, the big news being that my tumor looks to be cancer free now and ready to remove. Also, I'm so blessed by the outpouring of kindness thru cards, emails, and text messages from family, friends and friends of friends. Sometimes I cry because I'm touched so deeply by so many people.

I'm excited for the fundraiser DIVA BIZARRE tomorrow. I don't have the energy to attend but the girls (Sharon and Val) are so excited for the big event. Please know I'm so grateful for all the financial support it has enabled me to focus on my health and not panic about going into bankruptcy with all the medical bills. FYI my chemo alone costs about $7000 a week. Insurance covers most of it, but I am still responsible for a lot myself. Without your support I wouldn't be able to heal due to the financial stress but Val and Sharon are doing amazing at raising funds to pay my medical expenses. Two angels! along with their spouses, Jim and Scott!!

Dr. wants me to eat as many calories as possible between now and surgery. As wonderful as that news is, it's incredibly hard. I have no appetite and still have metal mouth so can't eat much without spitting it out. Hoping to enjoy a tasty Thanksgiving though!!!

Speaking of Thanksgiving. My family will all be together for the first time for this holiday.....also my FAVORITE holiday! I'm so grateful to be alive it's crazy. Each day I get to see my parents and am so thankful to have them here for this journey. In fact, not sure I could have made it thru the six months without them.

I know I still have a big hurdle to get over with surgery.............but I'm so optimistic that it will unveil a cancer free body and that recovery with go smoothly. I know it will be painful with some negative side affects but I'm going to get thru it and be back to my life in the new year. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am for 2012 and all that it will bring.

I'm a better person now having traveled this path. I'm closer to my family and my friends. I realize how lucky we are to have our health when we have it. Something I will never take for granted again! In fact, I can't wait to get back into the gym with Tim on a regular basis. Just being able to walk for more than 30 feet will be exciting to me!

I know everyone reading this is fighting some kind of battle. Please know my heart reaches out to you and I'm so grateful for all your love and prayers. You just have no idea how much and how deeply you've touched me. I'm the luckiest person I know!

I wish you the happiest of Thanksgivings! and hope you will take the time you need to really FEEL grateful, that's what this time of year is all about!

Much love to you all!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Breaking Dawn...

2011-11-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

My deepest apology for going so long without writing and sharing my journey. My laptop was at work and chemo finally got me to a point that I could not get around and make it to work. Dad took me into the office last week for a visit so I could pick some things up.....like my laptop so here I am.

I think the headline for this post really fits. LOL Chemo certainly got me to my breaking point but I have also made some big positive changes in the past few weeks. Let me start my saying how devastated I was not being able to go to work. This was a couple months shy of my game plan so not only an emotional hit but a financial one too. After two weeks of laying in bed though I finally accepted the circumstances and am trying to make the most of them. Any of you that know me, know I am not the lay around in bed type so this is just shy of torture for me. The only thing missing from this picture is bon bons. LOL

I have been so ashamed of how I look and feel that I have been pushing my friends away. I am such an entertainer and love to host. However, feeling so bad made me crawl into a cave and I figured I would just come out when I feel better, right???? WRONG!!!!!!!!!! I had no idea how much I was hurting my dearest friends by not allowing them to help or come and see me. I finally put myself in their shoes and realized how upset I would be if the roles were reversed and it was me being shut out in such a time of need for one of my friends. Then came the tears and the guilt but it's been good as now I have an open door policy and friends are welcome anytime. I've accepted there is no need to entertain, get dressed or play hostess, now is not the time for that. But letting friends be friends is important!

Before I forget, I need to say THANK YOU to whoever sent the powdered chocolate muscle milk to the house. I have been drinking it everyone morning, even on days I eat nothing. It's been a big help in my nutrition!!! There was no card so I have no idea where it came from, but thank you.

I can't get around anymore however, my friends have come to the rescue. I now have a shower chair so can shower again (was having to bathe because I could not stand up). Also have a wheelchair now too so can get out and about and hopefully do some more things with Tim and my peeps. I think getting around in a wheelchair will be a huge learning curve and build a whole new appreciation for my legs and strength when I get them back. Life in a wheelchair can't be fun but I'm going to see how fun I can make it.

It's November. My favorite month. It's the month of gratitude! As awful as things seem right now and scary, there is a million things to be grateful for and at the top is my family and friends. No matter what your circumstances are, there is an incredible life out there to be lived with an endless amount of love. Everyday I am touched my the love of my family and friends. I am truly blessed and feel we all are. You just need to open you heart and the rest will follow.

I know I hurt a lot of friends by saying no thank you and pushing them away and for that I'm terribly sorry. I learned such a big lesson in all this. Sometimes you just have to receive. I find it much easier to give but I get it now. Thank you for understanding.

All of us are at least a little scared.............none of know the outcome of surgery or the after treatment. However, we're all being positive and expecting the best. I can not thank you enough for all your support and prayers. The prayers are working because this chemo may be almost killing me, but it's definitely killing the cancer!

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Famous last words....

2011-10-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

"This is a lot harder than I thought it would be". LOL I'm sorry for the long silence between posts but chemo chased me into a cave where I have been hiding from my family and friends in an effort to try and cope. I really didn't expect this last segment of treatments to be THIS hard. When just brushing your teeth becomes the equivalent of a 10K, the last thing you want it to admit to anyone, including yourself, is that you've been beat.

There is only ONE way to beat cancer. That's with your attitude! It's the ONLY thing you control on this journey. What I didn't realize is you have to do the same for chemo. The chemo is killing you slowly, one treatment at a time from the inside out. It takes your hair, eyelashes, nails, skin, mouth, nose, eyes, and kills them at the same time that it's killing the cancer. Chemo does not know the difference between evil cells and good cells so you can kiss whatever ounce of dignity and pride you think you may have goodbye. Therefore, making the cave look like a comfortable hide out for now. LOL I honestly don't know what is harder; coping with chemo on my hands and knees or trying to stand up long enough for your average tooth brushing. Quite frankly, I never knew what fatigue was until I got knee deep into chemotherapy. I'm astounded at how much havoc two plastic bags hanging on a stand can wreak on the human body.

I'm so blessed by an out pouring of love and support reminding me of just how close I am to the finish line. While I'm no Lance Armstrong, as this has not been a race for me. It's been an intense chapter of life lessons that I'm convinced will have a happy ending and will roll smoothly into a new chapter focused on life AFTER cancer.

I've made some mistakes in coping with my chemotherapy such as NOT being focused enough on a positive journey. I expected to become ill because of everything I read and what people told me. Well, there's no surprise then that I got exactly what I expected. I'm not going to make that same mistake with surgery.

I am going into surgery with the attitude that despite the odds......THEY WILL NOT FIND ANY RESIDUAL CANCER and that the surgery will go as planned. I don't expect to have to undergo ANY post treatments of radiation or chemo since my body will be cancer free once the tumor is removed. Everything about my cancer and progress has been rare........I expect the same from my surgery. The odds may be against me but I have already proven that a positive mental attitude truly focused and BELIEVING can get you what you expect, despite any odds! Try applying this theory to any challenge you may have in your life and see how miraculously you can change your life for the better!

I'm learning so much on this journey and I hope you are learning with me. The rewards and life lessons on this journey are going to be far greater than the agony of the journey itself and hardship.

There is a new Dawn ahead that most importantly is more grateful than she every dreamed possible!...... Did I just type in the 3rd person? LOL I promise it was only to make a point. LOL

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Big Ol' Crocodile Tears

2011-09-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

We had a HUGE breakthrough yesterday at the hospital!! After the results of my tests were in Dr. P told us that I am now a surgical candidate!!!!!!!!!! It was really an emotional moment. Even though I knew I would get to this point, a part of me feared the what if I don't. This is living proof in the power of prayer. I am so blessed to have so many people praying for my full recovery!!

I also got to meet a very lovely woman about 20 years older than me that has just completed her journey with cancer. It happens to be the SAME one I'm on. Same 6 months of chemo, same cocktails, same Dr. and same Whipple surgery. She was only 3 weeks out of surgery and although she was walking with a cane, she looked and sounded wonderful and CANCER FREE.She told me the surgery although brutal was not as bad as she thought it was going to be...................how encouraging is that??????????

All I have to do is survive this next six weeks of chemo. I know this will not be easy, I am already so weak and have nausea almost everyday but I know now I can do this. I'm missing more work than I had planned but they are being supportive and understanding. I'm going to break this down into bite size pieces and focus on one week at a time starting on Monday. I'm going to rest up this weekend and hope to work a full week next week.

Tim is back in town and all tan so he's not helping my ego at all.............now I look like an albino next to him. LOL Hey, albino's need love too. LOL It's awesome having Dad back in town too. We have already enjoyed our few days together and look forward to all the time together ahead of us on this journey. He gives me strength.

MaMaLou on the other hand needs your prayers...........she fell and broke her shoulder so in Alabama on the mend. Has to wear a trainer for 3 weeks and then go it for check up. I miss her too and hope she's back in November once her shoulder is healed. Like me, she's a tough cookie and will get thru this.

Again, thank you to all my angles out there!!!!!!! We did it!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Finally asking for help...

2011-09-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

I don't care how strong you THINK you are, cancer is going to get the best of you. Not at all times, but it's going to have it's moments. For example, I'm five months into this journey and finally broke down and asked a friend for a laundry list of much needed items to help me thru my discomfort i.e. manicure gloves, tea tree oil, and chocolate muscle milk light plus she helped me make my bed after I washed my sheets. I didn't want to ask her to pick up those things because the last thing I want to do is burden someone or be an inconvenience. However, I NEEDED these things and poof she was there with them. Thank you Valerie! and I can't get over how comforting it was to just break down in tears in her arms. Did the same with my Dad when he got home last night (to my home). No matter how stubborn you may be, cancer will force you into a corner where you HAVE to ask for help. I'm glad it happened, I get it now. I think it made Val feel good to be able to help in what she thought was a small way, but it was huge to me.

So now you are probably wondering tea tree oil and manicure gloves???????? Yes, my nails smelled like dirty ass (sorry for being so blunt) but it is what it is so I needed to treat them and cover them up so I could function. They made my bed stink, me stink, it was beyond gross. I assume this is just a phase the nails are in while rotting off or something. It was making me gag every time I smelled them though which was way too often. I never realized how often my hands are in my face area until they started to rot.

It has really been an emotional week. I made a post on facebook about trying to negotiate my way out of the last six weeks of chemo. Basically, I hit my limit. I'm tired of being sick and dragging Tim down with me. It' hard to see the ones you love hurting for you. WOW...........that little comment triggered a bunch of you to open a can of whip ass on me that day!! I by no means was or am quitting!!!!!!! I am going to beat this tumor and if it takes six more weeks of chemo, so be it! I understand now that my Dr. is trying to save my life by preventing future tumors. I'm all on board with that because I do not want to be on this journey ever again.

I was contacted by two blasts from the past this week. My best friend from Alabama and an old friend from high school days. Both very welcomed emails and I look forward to reeling them back into my life as much as possible. Both these people made big ripples in my life and I would consider it a blessing to have them back in my life again.

I love my friends...........when I'm curled up in bed sick and wondering how long the discomfort is going to last and if I'll be able to make it to work the next day, it so nice to get a thoughtful text message from a friend letting me know they're thinking of me and pulling for me. I am the luckiest gal in the world! I'm sorry that I don't log on when I am that sick but Val is pretty good about keeping you all updated on my status on CancerDiva Facebook.

I look like Mini Mouse with my white gloves on................LOL or at least the beginnings of a Halloween costume.

Hey I am curious about the movie 50/50 about the guy with cancer..............you go see if first and let me know if I'll be able relate or if it will just upset me. LOL It is based on a true story.

As I spend more time thinking about my own mortality I realize I have a lot to do to get my affairs in order should something take a turn and my life be cut short. PLEASE DON'T PANIC I am not thinking this will happen, but one needs to be prepared under the circumstances. LOL There are so many people I love that I would like leave them something (a piece of me) or something that was important to me. For the record, I want to be cremated and my ashes spread over the sound somewhere unless Ryan or Tanner wants them on their mantel. No funeral..................just a big PARTAY!!!!!!!!!

I look forward to MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT at the end of January/early February. Glad it has been moved so I can attend and feel healthy and cancer free and really have something to celebrate!! Hopefully we'll have more people attending by having the event further north too. Would love to fill a room with 150 peeps!!!!!!!!!!

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

From the Twilight Zone to Hell and back

2011-09-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

Tim and I spent Friday night in the Twilight Zone aka Virginia Mason's emergency room. First of all, it' son the 6th floor! Who puts an ER on the 6th floor???????????? Weird!!!!!!!!! It really didn't take that long to get checked in but when we were walking back to the room, the gal says UH OH, the room is not clean so just sit down here (the hallway on a cot) so Tim and I each pick a cot to sit on and wait, and wait, and wait...............30 mins later or so we get into a room. Nurses had nothing but problems accessing my port in fact they are all convinced the port is infected and blaming he port for them not being able to draw any blood. However, one of the nurses proceeds to hook up my saline or whatever er they put in you to replenish your fluids but since he's not accessing the port properly, this fluid if filling up directly into my chest and HURTS!!!!!!! Finally I say something and they remove it and do it the old fashioned way. Next thing I know the Dr who I have never seen is admitting me! How can yo admit someone into the hospital that you have never examined???? I freak out and dont' want to stay.............a shift change occurs and with that comes a new nurse and new Dr. and next thing you know I get to go home but before I do, they decide to admit me again. UGH I can't keep up!!!!!!!!! then Dr. comes in and says she will release me so I am in a hell of hurry to get dressed and get out there before they change their minds again. LOL It was scary and nobody was communicating with anybody else and we left with no more answers than we came with all over a fever. LOL

Well, here I am at chemo right now and not a hick up or hitch with my port..........can we say user error up at ER last Friday? I knew they didn't know what they were talking about. It was like it was every body's first night there. LOL Chemo running really late today but just gives me more time with my peep Sandy. LOL Blood work tells the Dr. something is wrong so he's putting me on antibiotics which explains the off and on again fever. I think I just have a bug in my chest that triggered my asthma issues.

It has been a really rough journey and I realize it's going to continue to get worse before it gets better. I'm already tired of this game and don't want to pl;ay anymore. Just want to be done. Chemo is wearing me down which I am sure is normal by this late in the game so I know I'm not feeling anything anybody else wouldn't be feeling.

I really miss my Dad but am hoping he will be back up here next week..........we should know soon if he has to have surgery and can jump on a plane and be back up here for the rest of my journey. I need him more now that I'm getting sicker and often time scared. I'm not giving up but any means, but do have days where I just get really scared.........my biggest what if is what if this tumor does not separate from the main artery, what does that mean to surgery wise????? and to my recovery from surgery????????

I hate to sound like a broken recorded but this nail thing is gross. Although I'm trying to save them with Rogaine, they are rotting off and it smells sooooooooooooooooo gross, like a dead body. I can't even stand my hands near my face the smell is so bad. In fact, it will wake me up from a dead sleep. Nurse suggested soaking them in tree tea oil so am going to try that. I have nothing to lose right? So if you are near me and think I stink......it's not me, it's my fingernails!! LOL

Hey we moved the BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT. Decided that we could get more people if we move the event to late January and move it further North..........maybe lilke tukwila area so we can capture more North enders. This also gives Val and Sharon more time to procure auction items and sponsors. Sooooooooo if you have any inside connections to a location that you think might be good and cheap, please let us know!! We would be grateful for your help. Also perk is that I will be healed up from surgery and be able to celebrate being cancer free and actually have a glass of wine to celebrate with you!!!!!!

Chemo takes you to hell, that's all I got to say about that. There are no words to describe the occasional fear, the quality of life that it robs from you and the physical torture. So I'm sure you can understand why I just want to be done..............after today though, only 5 more treatments to Nov.3rd I am on the homestretch!!!!

Please be grateful for your health, despite anything else bad that maybe happening in your world.
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

2 Points for Chemo..... 0 for Dawn

2011-09-09T13:32:00.000-07:00

It has been a L O N G week since chemo on the 1st. That Round 2 hit me like a Mack truck at a nascar race. I seriously had no idea I would ever get that sick. Don't get me wrong, I have had my fair share of side effects and whined about them all! but this put things in a different perspective. You'll know longer see me complaining about the physical affects anymore, as now I know I need to be grateful for the ability to eat and digest food properly. I went a number of days without eating, but could keep some little fluids down and Tim finally took charge and made me eat chicken noodle soup and he didn't care which end it might come out of, he was getting nutrition in me. Nor did he care about what I thought tasted good or not. I got so weak and eventually a fever hit (FEVER = VERY DANGEROUS ZONE WHEN YOU ARE ON CHEMO) but Tim nursed me thru it and the fever actually broke this morning some time. I feel much better.

Yesterday at the office, Barb J. brought me chicken noodle soup which SAVED me! It was just what I needed to finish up my days work. I felt a ton better after eating it! I am staying on the liquid diet for awhile just to be sure my system is rested and healed. Somewhere along the way, my pancreas got really pissed off!

You know I'm sick if I don't post an update on my cancer diva group on facebook. I appreciate all the support, the messages, the texts and THANK YOU KEVIN AN LINDA FOR THE PURPLE CARE PACKAGE. I got it yesterday.

I can't even begin to express how guilty I feel whining about nails, Asian Puff Fish, metal mouth, or all the other physical stuff I've developed since being on chemo. Having been so wiped out, and so sick this week I realize I need to be thankful for having my insides healthy enough that I can function almost normally. I'm fine eating mini meals, heck; I'm fine eating just liquids, but being zapped by the chemo demon like I was this week is NOT OK. No matter how grateful we all are, seems there is always something we are overlooking to be grateful for.

I don't know how future week #2's are going to unravel now but let's just say this past week put the fear of God in me. LOL Someone suggested just relaxing so I am thinking bubble baths are in my near future and I'm going to drink my Gatorade or juice out of my blingy champagne flute.........yes the famous ONE. LOL If you don't know the story to that, please see me in person and I'll explain, it's a good one!

Looks like MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT is going to be moved to end of January and to a facility further north to accommodate more people and get this baby switched to a Saturday rather than a Friday night. Please stand by for more details as they are determined..........Val and Sharon are looking for ideas for locations between Federal Way and Tukwila.

So where's the lesson in all this.................???? Grab your journal and make a list of all those things that you really need to be grateful for that allow you to LIVE your life day to day.............a healthy heart, healthy bones, healthy stomach, etc. and remember it's up to YOU to have a healthy attitude! But this should help you get started!

I've had a lot of people ask me what I can eat so here's a list of some things I think taste good and feel good eating................I call them my comfort foods, Sweets are the worse tasting of anything so I have been avoiding them.

Pretzels
Macaroni & Cheese
Chicken Noodle Soup
Pink Grapefruit
Taco Time's White Chicken Chili
Starbucks unsweetened Passion IceTea
Qdoba naked chicken queso burrito w/black beans & pica de gayo
Diet Lime Coke
Unsweetened Ice Tea
Lemon/Lime Gaterade
Emerald City Smoothie chocolate LEAN OUT

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Emotional Chemo Date on Thursday...

2011-09-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

Thursday was the most emotional chemo date I've had. In fact, I think it was the most emotional visit with Dr. Picozzi. Sometimes I think he doesn't believe how bad my side affects are because every time I see him, I look half way presentable and he always comments how great I look. I figured out that the steroids they put me on before and during chemo keep my facial swelling at a presentable level. My mission on Thursday, was to get a full prescription of steroids so I could travel the rest of this two months I have left looking somewhat like a normal person, and not an Asian Puff Fish.

Dr. Picozzi would not even consider it! He explained that there were too many negative side affects including that it would affect my surgery. So, no go on steroids. I had to fight back my tears. He went on to explain that this is a time to tap into my spirituality and inside. He offered group counseling and/or therapy but I declined. All the talking in the world will not change how I feel when I get up and look in the mirror every morning. I look sad. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, well mine always look sad. I can't hide the pain inside. It's like looking at a stranger. He went onto to say my friends don't care what I look like, and that I already know. This is not about my friends, this is about me getting lost along the way. My friends have been incredible and I could not possibly have a stronger support group and for that I'm so blessed.

Cancer attacks every single thing in your life...........not just your body. It attacks your physical, mental, spiritual, friends, family, work, financial, it really is evil! I do think I have a lot more to learn. I can't lose the light from within which I think is what I fear. It gets harder and harder to fight the fatigue and side affects of chemo each week. Geez, I have to tape four of my fingernails on just so I can type. LOL I think it might be time to have another date with God.........I just need to keep pushing forward. I'm over half way there now and know all this is temporary. I just had my heart set on those steroids and thought I had all my problems solved. LOL I don't like people to see me sick so I tend to go in hiding when I look and feel so bad.

I got emotionally drained on Thursday and have been nauseous and not feeling well ever since. I slept most of Friday. However, am back to work for the weekend and look forward to Monday for another day of rest. I am winning!! and need to be OK with having some bad days along the way. I have this next week off from chemo to get my wits back. YAHOO!

http://westseattleblog.com/2011/09/my-big-fat-purple-benefit-fundraiser-for-cancer-fighting-realtor Deeply touched that Alice Kuder contacted the West Seattle Blog to share my story. Check out the link!

By the time this journey is done.......I will really know what I'm made of!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

TIME............we never have enough.

2011-08-31T13:58:00.000-07:00

Not exactly how or where to start this post..............so will start with my silence. My nails HURT! so it's hard to type (4 of them are just completely falling off right now making it really hard to type). I keep thinking they will get better, not worse and I then I can just jump on the pc and starting typing liking a maniac like I always have................but NO, they are not getting better, although Dr. Picozzi told me to put Liquid Rogaine on them and it should keep them from falling off...................might have been nice to know that BEFORE some of them started to fall off. Timing IS everything!

My beautiful eyelashes are gone now too..................you know I LOVE and treasure my eyelashes, it's part of my identity, or maybe I'm just a girly girl after all. LOL So, I have it on my mission to go buy the glue on false eyelashes in hopes that I will feel better wearing them. Although, not sure how much it will help with all the constant swelling and looking like an Asian Puff Fish all the time. Who is that creepy looking girl in the mirror that keeps looking back at me? I'm tired of seeing her!!! I wonder if I could put my head in the freezer over night if it would even help make all this swelling go down. Honestly, I will not need a Halloween costume by the time Oct. 31st rolls around, I should be the ultimate creepy looking girl by then. Geez, and dont' even get me started on the bloating. It is really odd to be down 10 lbs yet look fatter than when you started this whole journey, in fact, not even be able to fit into lots of your clothes because your tummy is sticking out so much and painful!! Dr. said just eat mini meals and graze all day, no normal meals from this point forward.

I'm venting..............but am grateful that we only have two months of chemo left! I say WE because you all are on this journey with me. THANK YOU so much for your love and support. Each month gets harder than the month before so I can't even imagine the shape I'll be in by the last treatment on Nov. 3rd LOL Sandy might have to just throw me in a wheel barrel and tow me into chemo that day. LOL Hey......that could be my Christmas Card this year! LOL

My family support is now from a distance. Dad and MamaLou are back in Alabama for health reasons. Me and my Dad are competing for the limelight (must be a Polka thing). LOL He will have surgery soon and need to recover so they probably won't be back until mid November at the earliest. I miss them a lot...............nothing compares to my date day with Dad.

Friends are now really gearing up for MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT and of course I'm stressing nobody will come. We are down to the last month before we kick the fun night off with a great dinner and dancing, music, silent auction and even a dessert auction................I know it will be a super fun and very memorable night so trying to keep my thoughts on that. Tickets are available at www.CancerDiva.com

Even though my body is falling apart little by little, I am so thankful that I can get up and go to work everyday..........or at least most days. I usually have to take a day or two after my 2nd chemo week in a row. Something about week #2 just kicks my ass and flares up a new side affect too, as if I need more!!!!!!!

Cancer affects everyone so differently...........even my Tanner. There has been so much unusual silence between Tanner and I since I saw him over 4th of July. We usually share EVERYTHING and that door just went the opposite direction, but he was over on Monday and we got a chance to talk one on one. Things are much better now. It's true though, some people pull in much closer and others need the space to digest and deal with the reality of my cancer.

I have decided, given the odds/5 year survival rate that I am living on borrowed time. DON'T GET ME WRONG! I AM BEATING THIS TUMOR! but I have no idea what the 5 year future holds so we are making some priority changes. Changes in our lifestyle and many positive food choices and changes. I would love to live a long time and can see if that is the case, little miss Diva Dawn needs to get her healthy A game on! Tim is 100% on board! We already have a gym picked out to join in January when I'm recovered from surgery. I think the big change for me is no processed foods and no more white flour or sugar products. Right now I'm eating whatever I can get to taste good in my mouth, which is not much but when metal mouth is gone....................I believe I will have a whole new appreciation for food, good food that is good for me!

TIME............we never have enough. More than anything, we need to savor the time we spend with others. It really is priceless! I got some sofa time with Cheryl (I refer to her as my big sis) last night and it was so nice to be able to break down and cry and just express how hard the journey is. Tim sees that everyday, but I hide it from most and sugar coat my day as much as possible. Complaining won't make it better but sometimes you have to get the bad feelings out, or they just brew inside of you. Think about your time and who you share it with.....................make the people that love you and make you a better person a priority in your life...........they won't be around forever, and neither will you. Savor time like you know your expiration date.............What changes would you make, if any, in your life if the odds were you were not going to live beyond the next 5 years? as in 95% chance you won't live beyond the next 5........that is a GINORMOUS odd. Think about it.

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Winning each day....

2011-08-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

It has become obvious to me now that I can't win each day. There are going to be days where the side affects win and the best I can do is rest and focus my energy on recovering. Winning the day and getting to go out and go to work and pretend like I'm not sick is the only way I know to get through this journey. This week has hit hard, I'm now on a fluid diet until I figure out how to manage the bloating and swelling. It just got too painful to eat. Laying on the bed like a 400 lb beached whale in pain is not my idea of a good time. LOL I feel better since I stopped eating though.

Each month is magnified from the month before. I'm grateful I only have two and half months to go, but YIKES, I have two and half months to go. LOL I know I can only do one day at a time. That's all any of us can do! It just seems overwhelming.

I broke down the other night with Tim. You know one of those OMG I can't do this anymore moments. Tim is such an angel, and always gets me through them. He layed down with me and kept me focused on all the good. However, at the same time, he always gives me permission to feel bad and have as many bad moments as I need to get through the journey. I love him so much!

The relationships we keep really do define who we are. I am so blessed to have so many people that love me and are caring for me. My friends are angels, true angels! I am just falling apart at the seams but my friends are like the glue holding me together. We are bonded like that. I don't have to talk to my friends everyday to know they are there..........praying, caring, and loving. However, I know all I have to do is call and they'd be here with anything that I needed. Don't you have friends like that? You can go months without talking or seeing them, and yet just pick right up where you left off like not time ever passed. The love of friends makes this world go round.

I am fatigued...........battling bloody nose, my pain in my nails has spread to my hands and feet, knee joints are giving out, constant watering eyes so I can't see, plus the bloating and swelling is handicapping me quite a bit and confining me to my bed. I will call the Dr. today and see how to proceed..........I don't know if chemo or medications are causing all this havoc????? so I'm off the meds to try and give my body a rest. I'm grateful for these 3 days off work so I can rest up and hopefully be back to functioning on Monday like a somewhat normal person. LOL

Call a friend today that you have not talked to in awhile! Just to say I love you!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

I think Week #2 is winning.........LOL

2011-08-16T11:59:00.000-07:00

Man, I have been out of it since yesterday, just can't seem to get my get up and go. Even the vitamins are not working. Fatigue has really set in, as is some nausea, nails hurting, swollen face, watering eyes, scratchy throat..................UGH but thank heavens I don't have chemo this week so should be feeling some relief by the weekend. I hope!

I miss being able to do stuff................like the grocery shopping and getting out of the house for a break from the routine (rut is more like it LOL). Don't do much be bed rest when I get home.............I sleep a lot.

When I got to work today, I bent down at the copier to get some paper and I could barely get back up. My knees did not want to support me. I'm so bloated, it feels like I'm about 9 months pregnant STILL.

Have to keep my eye on the ball, Nov. 3rd last chemo and then a road to recovery and preparing for the big surgery in December. Excited for my hair to start growing back! and being able to taste food again. Hopefully in time for Thanksgiving!!! My favorite holiday, and my brother and his family are flying up for the holiday, how awesome is that????????

My aunt is in town for the week from Arizona so will get to see her. She was big sister to my Mom. I have not seen her in years so will be nice catching up, just wish under better circumstances.

Have a blessed day and enjoy the sunshine, it is gorgeous out there! Definitely a topless day if I can get the energy to put the top down LOL

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

a nice weekend....

2011-08-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

It has really been a nice weekend off from the office, I do have to admit! We got to spend a beautiful Saturday with friends on their boats yesterday (THANK YOU GARY & LUDIE, SHANE & TANJA!) It was the perfect day for me in a long time. Got to get out of the house and out of my lazy rut but yet enjoy a relaxing day with great friends and enjoy the sunshine for a change. It was just perfect and what the Dr. ordered! Love to you all so much for being so patient with me and getting me back to the car so I could sleep in my own bed at night. xoxoxxxo

Today, I got to do a final walk thru with my niece and Kyle, her husband and see the Jump's again in their new soon to be house in Buckley. Always a treat getting to see them, my niece just rocks this world! especially mine, she's such a beautiful person. I'm so proud of the women she's grown up to be!!!!!! Love her to pieces. They brought me back a beautiful glass blown fish wine stopper that I can't wait to use when I'm back off the wine wagon. LOL Darn I miss my wine but the New Year and the New me will be here before we know it!

Tim and I ran errands most the day, and although my face is swollen up like a balloon and look awful, we've got a lot done today!! I'm exhausted so taking it easy the rest of the night. Also have a lot of bloating today too. I'm out of the steroids which I usually take 4 days after chemo to control the swelling and redness so will fill that prescription up in the morning once I get to the office. Keep getting little sores in my mouth too, one goes away, then a new pops up but nothing like what I had a few weeks ago so I'm not going to complain, I can manage one or two at a time. LOL It's the mouthful that went into overdrive.

I can't get over how blessed we are to have such great friends.........everyone is so kind too, calling me beautiful and gorgeous when I know I look really scary. It is just so sweet of everyone to be so incredibly kind during this tough journey.

I am grateful to have this week off chemo so I can recover some of my energy which got zapped again this week. The vitamins are certainly helping but I feel the fatigue a lot too since chemo on Thursday. I must be the luckiest cancer patient in the world to get a week off chemo every month, I don't think I could handle anymore than what I'm doing right now...............that week off is always my salvation and keeps me going.

Hope you all are having a blessed day! LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Miss my normal eyes....

2011-08-10T16:13:00.000-07:00

I was looking at a picture taken early on when I started chemo but didn't have the eye problems yet...............DARN I miss my old face! These swollen watering like sprinkler system left on is wearing on me. My eyes are sealed shut in the mornings and I have to pry them open, and then try and get the swelling down so I can see for a bit. I'm going to talk to Picozzi tomorrow and see if there is anything that might help slow the production of tears down so I can function better.

I am praying my face goes back to the way it was...............had one gal tell me that her friend's skin never went back, it stayed super dry................UGH Are you kidding me? I'm going to assume all will go back to normal over time and I've got a couple products that some of you have told me to try (thank you Shari and Linda!!) and I'm optimistic they will help on this journey. It's just finding that right product that helps.

Now, every time I eat I get super duper bloated, even if it's just some pretzels to help settle my stomach...................now I feel 9 months pregnant all the time too. LOL Even though my weight is down, the water retention and bloating makes it look like I've gained 10 lbs....................can't really worry about stuff like that right now though, but it's uncomfortable. I have a new born compassion for pregnant women right now though. LOL

I miss my Dad already. He flew back to Alabama to take care of him and the house but will be back in a month. We've still got MamaLou so will take care of her and her us while he's gone. She's been amazing! Will miss the next 3 chemo dates with Dad, but I've got one with Sandy tomorrow, then Jackie and MamaLou so really looking forward to some quality girl time! Sandy and I are going to pick all these wine corks for projects tomorrow. Our fingers will hurt by the time we leave.............LOL

Well, this exercise bike is staring at me so I better wrap this up and go see if I can peddle my way to some more energy. I am doing better since I started on the Greensource vitamins, but still need to exercise some each day.

Embrace your health today and all the love!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

LOVE..........

2011-08-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

LOVE, the most powerful force in the universe! Without it, we have nothing. It's not just the love of a soul-mate that we desire so much, it's the love of friends and family that really make our worlds go round. I have put so much emphasis on health and how blessed you should feel if you have yours in tact, but really it's the LOVE that matters! So don't be afraid to love generously. By our age, we've all been hurt (scarred for life) but you can't live in the past and allow those scars to dictate your future. You have to learn to forgive and move on or you just end up caging yourself in and not experiencing the true love God intended you to give and receive.

I was recently reminded of my own scars. I've been deeply hurt, betrayed and it took me years to recover from it. Those are lost years, but I'm open and happy now and you should be too!! I'm blessed to have Tim who I truly believe is my soul-mate. He's so good for me, to me and with me. We laugh a lot together!! He calls me out on my bullshit and won't let me run away when things get challenging. He's being an absolute angel on this journey, where I think most men would have moved on and said, "I didn't sign up for this journey". I'm proud to be with Tim, he's a good man with a huge heart of gold!!!!!!! and tons of love to give and I have tons to give him back.

You don't realize how much your friends really love you until you get in such difficult times and they just rise to the occasion. I know my cancer has touched each friend differently. All of you have responded in your own unique way, yet the depth of your love if the common thread and I feel beyond blessed to have so many friends that care and love me so much. I hope I am as good a friend to you as you are to me. It's THAT love from friends that has kept my world in a beautiful place and kept me incredibly happy!

Since losing my mother in 1999, my heart opened up to more people. It just takes a lot more people to fill the void she left behind. She was my best friend, so back then my social circle was smaller because I had her so much of the time and she was such a big part of my life. Her absence sent me many many new angels that I get to now call friend. Because my family is so far away, I have come to think of my friends as my family. They feel the same to me, that's how tight the bond has become. How blessed is that?????????

We only have so much time here and now, so love deeply, passionately, and generously! I think the more you love the better and happier your life will unravel into a beautiful life. Holding back out of fear of pain, is just preventing the true bliss and joy that you can experience in this lifetime. Like I said, we've all been hurt and if you are younger, then it's just a matter of time. However, no matter how broken your heart may feel, it never stops beating, even though you may have those days when the pain is overwhelming and you want it to stop. It doesn't. You move on and move on you must!

I am doing well. I'm so fortunate to be breaking records and beating this thing called cancer. I feel badly for those not getting the good news I get each week when I go in. The daily grind of side affects is horrible but I can get through this journey with the love and support you all are giving me on a daily basis. I have so much to look forward too!!!! Like tasting food and not having my eyes watering like a faucet constantly. I can't wait to look normal again. LOL I'm anxious to not have metal mouth anymore, hopefully by Thanksgiving it will be mostly gone and I can taste my favorite holiday!! My last chemo is scheduled for Nov. 3rd so I'm hopeful things will be getting back to normal weeks later. Not that Tim and I are making out like 9th graders on this journey, but I wonder if he taste the metal like I do LOL Just a funny thought.

Live like your dying peeps and you'll be fine!!!!!!!!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Attitude

2011-08-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

Today officially started Week #1 of my 2nd 9 week lag of chemo. It went well, started earlier than usual, we had an 8am instead of a 2pm appointment due to not getting scheduled soon enough but it's all good. Just bummed that I had miss work since our August sales meeting was today :( Week 1 always goes good, it's week 2 that I fear. LOL

We met a family (mother has lung cancer) today in the elevator/lobby. Today was her very first day of chemo. I could tell they were all scared and confused and at that phase where you just don't know much. I shared as much of my journey with her as I could and gave her my card to call me if she had any questions or just wanted a shoulder to lean on. I felt bad for them, her cancer has spread to her blood and brain. STILL, I believe the very first step to fighting cancer is BELIEVING you don't have cancer and pretending like you don't have cancer. Attitude is the single one most important thing on this journey, and quite honestly, I think ANY journey you are taking. What you believe on a regular basis unfolds into your life, no matter what it is so, careful of the thoughts you allow in since it's the life you let out.

I'm so blessed with the most amazing support group, starting my Dad and MamaLou. It's always such a treat getting to share good news with you all!!! I'm doing great, breaking records, and well on my way to a full recovery. However, it all started on day 1 with my attitude. I have chosen to pretend I am healthy and everything else just falls into play accordingly. I have my days filled with fear, fear of the side affects though, not the outcome. The outcome is me healthy and happy and 100% cancer free forever! I don't want this back and am willing to endure the pain now to keep it that way.

Due to the extreme fatigue that has set in, I am experiencing atrophy in my body from lack of movement. Sooooooooooooo, this month my focus is on exercising a little each and every day. Tim also got me started on greensource vitamins which give you energy and I can already tell a world of difference. He also is taking walks with me (it's romantic to me) I am also starting to take pancreatic enzymes to help along this journey. Now, that I have the inside figured out, need to get the outside figured out. This damn skin peeling thing is crazy and I'm anxious to try some new products that were suggested from my support group. Something out there has got to get this constant peeling under control. I'm willing to try anything.

I'm drinking a lot more fluids now too since I discovered Gaterade. Flushing this chemo thru me as quickly as possible can only help with the side affects.

On facebook today I asked everyone to write down 100 things they have to be grateful for.............I think when you take the time out of your day to really FEEL grateful and focus on gratitude instead of dreams, you just inched your way closer to your dreams! Again, attitude is everything so have a grateful one at that!

Being on this journey has my eyes wide open to just how fortunate we all are. Sitting in the chemo lobby and seeing the fear and pain in the eyes of the patients really hits home. Their world has been turned upside down and the last thing on their mind is their attitude. Yet, it's still working to lead them on their journey which could be good or bad. It all starts in the mind, not the body! What they think determines the action they will take. Action creates reaction and that my friend is life.

I'm also going to type out a list of positive affirmations to help me keep my fears in check. I know if I keep saying and talking about week #2 then it is inevitable that week #2 will bring some new bad effect that I will have to deal with. I think writing down and reading my affirmations daily will keep me focused on the good and my fear will disappear along with any negative side affects. Seeeeeeeeeeee, we are back to attitude. I have to BELIEVE that I already have all the affects that I'm going to have, nothing new will come along. THIS is as bad as it gets for Dawn! I can handle this one day at a time.

My Dad leaves to go back home to Alabama on Tuesday. He'll be gone for a month but I still have MamaLou here and looking forward to dates with her! As much as I miss my mother (daily) and some days more than others, I don't think my mother would have handled this journey well. I'm glad I have Lou to help feel that motherly void. She's been AMAZING on this journey and beyond supportive, not only for me, but for my Dad and Tim as well. She's just a little pistol and I love her to pieces! There is just a peace of mind knowing I have a Mom down the street if I need ANYTHING. Plus it's a bonus that she's so talented and creative so she's going to help us make some auction pieces too which will be fun!!! I love my girl time!!

My motto today is no matter what challenge lays ahead of you, get your mind in the game first, in a winning game!

LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Fatigue...............not a fashion statement.

2011-08-02T00:35:00.000-07:00

There are moments that seem so overwhelming. I have expected to be tired on this journey. People have even used the word "getting a dose of fatigue" when referring to chemo. However, this is way more than I signed up for. LOL I am so high energy that I just assumed I'd be affected by maybe half of what most people are. Boy was I wrong. I mean my legs and knees are feeling funny like it is a major workout for me to just get up and down stairs now. This is what it must feel like to be 100 years old! only problem here, I'm only 48. LOL

I am not sure if I should be resting so that I can savage the energy up to use eating utensils or be forcing myself to work out and walk around the block each day. What if atrophy sets in? then what?

There is not enough moisturizer on the planet to get my skin through this.............I wish there was one magic brand that did the trick. LOL I heard watercress nuts are good for your skin so am going to start eating them LOL I get the "you are what you eat" so I'm trying to eat healthier. But in the meantime, I just wish I could have a day here and there where my skin was not all swollen and peeling and the eyes could rest from tearing up all day long............just a little break in the cycle. LOL

I have discovered Gatorade taste good so now I can get some fluids through me and hopefully flush the chemo through my system more quickly and efficiently. I get overwhelmed when I think I've got chemo until Nov. 3rd. That is just a lifetime away with these daily side affects. I'm thinking Gaterade in a champagne flute taste even better! LOL

My goal is to focus on August.............and August only. It's a long month, but it's finally summer here so everyone should be happier. I can't go out and enjoy the sun but am happy for all of you that can. Don't put off enjoying today just because you think tomorrow you can. Today really is a gift.............it might be the best of what you have so make it so! Love more today! Laugh more today!
and share yourself with others in any way that you can. For God sake, don't sweat the small stuff...........................today is YOUR day! SAVOR IT!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

T.M.I. (too much information)

2011-07-30T07:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm busy getting ready for my 30 year high school class reunion last night and I have this Epiphany! If my mouth tastes so bad (like a mouth full of dimes) and everything else that comes out of my body smells like metal...........then I can only imagine how bad my breath must be too! So I start to panic and chew gum like some trailer park girl in the barns of Alabama. LOL I wonder how my people my breath has offended in my office.............LOL Anyway, just wanted to share that thought, I know probably too much information but I warned you.

The reunion was lovely................incredible location, food was good, but the company was amazing! If you were wondering where are the beautiful people were last night, they were a the Tacoma Yacht Club!! Aside from my face peeling, eye watering, and some fatigue, I felt as good as I could for the night, and even made it to 10:30pm which is a record for me yet. Everyone was so kind and nice and generous. Brenda Lee brought me a stunning bouquet of beautiful roses when it should have been me giving them to her!! I have them in my kitchen window to savor up!!!!!!! Angela took this big flower bling ring off her finger and put it on my finger for chemo days...........I LOVE IT, in fact I know I will wear this a lot more than just on chemo days...........but what a nice reminder of the girlfriends past we had. We were connected at the hip and at a time in the world where it seemed like all we had was each other. The rest of the world didn't matter. We created our own private place to get us through our difficult times back in junior high school.

I got a full night sleep last night with Lunesta...............Just feel heavy today, maybe it's not all worn off since I took it so late from getting home from the reunion. I can see I really need to start exercising, no matter how little or how hard it is. It's getting harder and harder to get up the stairs, like some little old granny at the end of the day. I may try walking around the block at work at lunch everyday when it's nice just to get my legs moving. Every little bit will help I think.

Sprint had to do a hard reset on my phone yesterday so I'm lost with out some numbers again and have to wait for Tim and Sylena to get home to put back on the Dawn mojo that made it my phone for me.............so if you don't hear from me today and were expecting too, that's why..........it's like the phone just rolled out of the box. UGH!

Today is a brand new day............be the person you want to be today! Be kinder and expect more kindness out of others and see how it changes the outcome of your day! Kindness is such a simple gesture.........start by smiling!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Thursday is the BIG day!

2011-07-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

No chemo tomorrow (thank GOD!) but we have lots of tests at the hospital that should confirm our positive progress. I of course am most excited to hear the word "OPERABLE". Oh, I know I still have months of chemo left, but just having that piece of mind for a smooth surgery ahead in December will just make me feel better on the inside. I know perhaps too optimistic but it's OK..........we are doing great no matter what.

As usual, week #2 of chemo completely kicked my ass............this time the new side affect of Freddie Kruger mouth and throat was just a bit too much for me. Today is day #3 on some new meds that are just starting to work. I'm red as a beet so put myself back on the steroids to handle that so hopefully will look human for work tomorrow. I stayed in bed most the day today............lot of nausea and tummy troubles. I have not eaten much in the past three days (-10 lbs), but today got some solid foods in me, just enough to make me sick. LOL Although it didn't feel good, taste good, or look good...........at least I got a little nutrition. Much needed nutrition.

I stopped my Emerald Smoothie. They make a lean out drink there with banana and peanut butter with protein that just might be my salvation on this food journey. The cold feels great on my throat and I can actually get some of it down. Pat (the owner there in Federal Way) was also gracious enough to give me a can of energy drink that is for chemo patients. I'm not an energy drink gal but will give it a whirl when I feel better and see if it helps me in any way. He wanted me to keep him posted.............but what a nice guy just wanting to help me. I am sure he could clearly see I was having a horrible day. LOL Anyway, I just met him today and was deeply touched by his generosity.

Speaking of generosity..........I just have to thank Mandy and all the staff at MeMeandcompany for all their love and support in helping me get through the hard physical affects. Everyone is donating and helping me in every way that they can................like little angels flying around the salon. Anxious to move my nail service there and convert to the new shalak everyone is hyped about! That will be next month!! No more gels for me!

I'm enjoying the peace and quiet in the house...............nobody or anything to constantly be cleaning up after. LOL The cleanliness cleans my mind.........funny how that works. LOL My neighbors even brought my garage cans up for me yesterday...................how sweet is that???

I'm telling you, I run into an angel everywhere I go..................I feel so blessed. Oh, I'm frustrated missing work and being attached to the bed, but I guess if your body has to rest, it just collapses on you and says, I'm all done today girl............you ain't goin no where! LOL and so I listen.

The miracle mouthwash, as gross as it is, is working..........I can tell I have fewer sores now and the mouth is just now starting to heal................still a week left on the meds but at least we have a little improvement.

I wish you all peace and good health tonight.............and all the wonderful things I miss...............tasting, appetite, smiling, laughing, etc.........the list goes on forever but you get my point.
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Dear God,

2011-07-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about you a lot today. Why? Probably because today is one of the harder days you've placed before me. I've been pretty sick since Friday and just today got some new meds from the Dr. that will hopefully pave the way to a healthier throat/mouth so I can actually smile again.

I still can't tell you why I'm here today on this path. However, I know you are making me stronger, even though if feels like you're trying to kill me. My spirit is so crushed. My inside smile is so buried within all this pain and agony that it gets harder and harder each day to find the strength to keep moving forward. I know I know I know the light is shining at the end of this tunnel. It's just from where I am today, the tunnel seems too long.

I am reminded of all that I have taken for granted for soooooooooo long. #1 being my health. This waking up to tears and constant watering of the eyes is like a cleansing of everything I used to take for granted. Even typing on a keyboard now hurts my nail beds. It's so many little things, too many to even list out. However, I want everyone to know how lucky they are to have the gift of health, even if it's not perfect health. Being able to wake up and smile every day, even if you don't want too, is a miracle! Nobody should take that for granted, ever.

If I had 3 wishes, my first one would be good health for everyone. I realize without it, your life is different. I know there are people in the hospital going through chemo with much much worse than me, so I should feel blessed that I'm even able to get out bed and go to work each day. I just miss me. I miss the abundance of energy and happiness. I just want the old me back.

My next wish is for your strength. I need you now more than ever. I thought when Mom died that would be the worse thing I would ever have to go through. This is different though. This wears on your soul and spirit. It changes the dynamics of each day and how you see and breathe. I need your help to face each day with hope and not fear. It seems with each chemo I get weaker and some new horrible side affect surfaces that is so dramatic. I'm hoping the $130 worth of new medications will attack my mouth and throat and this is simply a minor detour and not part of my normal routine until Nov. 3rd (my last day of chemo) before surgery.

My 3rd wish is that this hardship will create a huge positive ripple on other's lives. I can not go through this without some purpose. Some higher purpose that I just know you must intend for me to complete. There may not be an ending, but the journey and the story must inspire and motivate and help others. This can't be just for me. Please guide me along this path, and hold me when I can't hold myself.

I'm grateful dear God for all the people you have wrapped around my life to take this journey with me. For, as you know, I could not do this alone. I'm so grateful to have my Dad and MamaLou so close. We have spent a lifetime across the miles, and now our love and this journey brings us closer and they are my salvation.

My friends are the most amazing people I've ever met. However, I didn't need to get cancer to be reminded of that. I have been very conscience of who I surround myself with. I've always told my boys, careful who you spend the most time with, you become the seven people you hang around the most. Well, I have more than a seven, but they are your gifts. I love them with all my heart and will carry this journey for them, so they never have too. Remember, that is our DEAL!!!!

I love you first and foremost and am just reaching out to you because I need you so much. I feel broken and I don't like it. When I get to that point of shutting people out so I can be alone, it's because I'm weak and I need my time with you. Please hold me tonight so that I feel rested and better for a new tomorrow.
Please help the medicines do their job so I can function and continue to be there for others in whatever capacity they may need me, even if just for a smile.

I know I have a long road and I'm not giving up. I'm just at a speed bump and want to hold your hand tighter than usual. I'm afraid I can't take as much as you think I can. Why do you think I am this strong? For crying out loud.........it's not that I don't trust you, I know you will not give me more than I can bear.........please give me strength now.

Today, Annie in my office brought me a beautiful cross that I just wanted to kiss the minute she handed it to me. It's more like a charm to hang in my office but I wanted to put it around my neck it was so pretty and made me feel close to you. There's even a little charm on it that says "HOPE"..... Of all the days for her to bring it to me, it fell on the day I have felt I needed you the most, as of yet. Funny how you work in mysterious ways...............she was a messenger from you to me. God I love you so much!

I have all the hope in the world..............but with the daily grind of symptoms and side affects, comes some fear and this is where I need you to keep me strong, OK?

So my top 3 prayer wishes,
#1 Good Health for everyone
#2 Your strength to get through this journey peacefully
#3 Positive ripple for others

Through Jesus Christ, AMEN
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Some really bad affects kicking in...

2011-07-24T12:26:00.000-07:00

My throat has not recovered since chemo on Thursday.............it feels all swollen up, hurts and I think I have thrush all the way down..............UGH. Nothing seems to tone it down making eating a chore. No more meals for me for awhile, just cereal and ice cream. UGH which both taste horrible but gotta get something down the pipes. Plus now I have two cold sores on the side of my mouth that really hurt...............I've never had them before, OUCH!!! Feels like someone sliced a razor along the edge of my mouth.

I'm just resting today, not even getting out of my nightshirt since I have no energy. It's a beautiful day but I just want the house clean for the week while Tim and Sylena are gone so I can relax and rest as much as possible so I'm ready for my 30 year reunion on Friday after work!

Your life is still YOU life so you go enjoy this weather and make the most of each day you have that is healthy and make it as happy as you can!!!!!!! I'm run down right now so making this blog short...............I know you understand.

LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

First cocktail on the house lol

2011-07-21T16:05:00.001-07:00

Life is RICH

2011-07-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

Life really is amazing when you think of the ripple (good or bad) that you make in a day. I know that my purpose is not filled in a day i i have not inspired, motivated and put a smile on somebody face somewhere in my day. There are so many books out there about the purpose of your life or living your purpose, none of which I've read. LOL It's just I know I am happiest when I'm helping someone else, it's jut how I roll.

I thank you all for when you repost something I facebook, it's so nice to know that something I shared gets passed onto someone else. That's what we all need to so, is share more and love more. What's the point of hiding behind some wall being afraid to get hurt. Geez, being hurt is when you really access how deep you are capable of feeling, it cuts you open and you feel all that mush pout out LOL My goal is to let the mush out willingly in a positive way and not worry about the bleeding heart again.

I don't know why I have cancer. Never willl. That is just one of the many frustrations that comes with this journey. Really though, even if it was too much milk, red meat, carbs, whatever, or the air I was breathing when I was 13........................I can't go back and change what had lead me to here, anymore than you can change what has led you to where you are. The ONLY thing we can do with our life now where it is now, is LIVE it to it's fullest. You can change the person you are into the person you want to become. Not overnight, but one day at a time. Starting by being grateful!!!!!!!!!

If you have your health, or most of it...............you have an AMAZING life that is all yours to savor and share. Please don't let anyone detour you from the life you dream. Not even for a moment. Let the negative energy just roll off and go where it may be............don't let it fester or manifest itself inside of you. I'm not saying you can't have a bad day................we all have those, but keep them in check. One can lead to another and then next thing you know you've had a bad week, month, year.................check and balance my dear friends.

I miss food................I am really dreaming of a romantic dinner with Tim with some nice wine at the end of this journey. I miss the wine and cheese tastings we used to do.................I am sure I will savor food so much more and appreciate every single explosion of flavor one bite at a time. From a Dick's burger to a lobster dinner or Italian dinner we both love....................even my chicken mac and cheese is missed. Amazing how we take food for granted, even a Starbucks tastes like crap. I am however finding some flavor in nuts. LOL so looking into cereals with nuts in them and I do like the texture of the Harry David dark chocolate moose munch. Not that it tastes good like it know it does, but the texture and I can taste the nuts in it, so cracker jacks might work too. LOL

Now, about this facial I had this week thanks to http://www.envyonalki.com/ Trudy Muller was AMAZING. I have only had two facials in my life................both on vacation. One is Mexico and one in San Diego but neither compared to the pampering this gal gave my face. If you have never had a facial YOU MUST GO SEE HER IT WILL BLOW YOU MIND!!!!!!!!!! I came out feeling like I had a new face and was so relaxed...........her music was perfect the the aromatherapy was perfect. This is a 5 START place!!! conveniently located just a block off Alki. You won't regret this!!!

I'm sitting here in chemo now.............round II for this month. Hoping I don't get my ass kicked like it did last month but we'll see. I feel good coming in aside from a bit a nausea last night. Dr is late as usual so looks like we are going to be here for awhile....AGAIN LOL I enjoy the time with Dad though. I even entered a Hallmark contest and filled in their blank "BLANK is a special occasion contest yesterday to share my chemo dates with Dad story..............will see if anything comes of it. Would be nice to win the grad prize of $5000 and be on their commercial. LOL If I make it into the semi finals will need your help to vote for my story on facebook. LOL It always comes down to them building facebook awareness huh? LOL

OK............getting meds and then the cocktails..........over and out
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Crazy Grateful

2011-07-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

I am just so crazy grateful for all my facebook friends and all the outpouring of love and support from everyone that it just oozles out of me!

Anytime I get down and upset over one of these side affects like today..............my eyes are just puring with tears and I can hardly see, I think how lucky I am to be loved and have so many people praying for me. It fills me with what God intended us all to be filled up with and be giving every single day.........LOVE.

Did I mention you should be savoring you food.............LOL Gosh I miss my taste buds! I am however doing better getting water down since I was hypnotized ~ THANK YOU ALICIA!!!!!! If you have anything you need help overcoming, she's your gal! You won't regret one minute with this amazing woman no matter what you have to overcome!!!!!!!! contact her at 253 297-3699

Excited for my facial today.................you know my skin is soooooooooooooooooooo dry and my hands and feet are constantly peeling. Will be so nice to get this complimentary facial and get some deep moisture on my face again, even if only for a bit. www.EnvyonAlki.com is doing this complimentary for me from a referral of one of my agents here in the office. THANK YOU JILL!!!!!!!

I am working on another mailer..............need to get my inventory built back up for Fall. So if you know of anybody thinking of making a move this year..............please let me know. I have a full team in place for if/when I need the support so don't let my cancer detour you from using my real estate services. It's one of the best ways to help me, keep me working! Keeps me happy!

From the bottom of my heart.....................and even deeper than that! THANK YOU for your love and support. All these prayers are working and I know I have nothing to worry about other than tackling the daily affects of chemo. The light is shining brightly for me because of you at the end of this tunnel! and thank you just does not seem like enough, but it's all I have right now.

When I win the lottery, we're all going on an appreciation cruise together!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Amazing what we take for granted....

2011-07-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

My workshop went so-so today. There were only 4 other women with cancer in there, two nice instructors, and two of the other cancer patients had friends with them. It was weird. It was like pulling teeth to carry a conversation with any of them, I guess they were not ready to talk or make friends. I quickly learned everyone has their own unique journey with cancer and handles communication quite differently. That includes me. I didn't learn anything new but got a few skin care items that I'll use. Most of the make up would not work for my skin tone even though I selected the medium one. I came out looking more like a clown since the colors were all off. LOL It was free what can I say?

We took my parents to the Southern Kitchen in Tacoma last night for dinner so they could enjoy some a southern home cooked meal for a change that they would not have to cook. Tim found it on Diner, Drives, and Dives with Guy. I thought is was as good as it could have been with my metal mouth but the wait was long and parents were not convinced any of it was from scratch. LOL I ate too much and my tummy has still be trying to recover. I have to eat tiny tiny meals or my stomach can't digest the food. High maintenance. UGH

I am overwhelmed at what we take for granted every day like eating. We just take for granted when we drink a cup of coffee that it will taste like coffee, chicken chicken, chocolate chocolate or whatever.............I am telling you it is WEIRD not being able to taste the taste of real food, good or bad. Washing your food down with dimes is so gross! I really look forward to food and beverages tasting like they should again. Water is the toughest and that is why I went to hypnosis, to help me get over that. Now trying to convince myself that all water taste like cranberry juice. I heart cranberry juice with no sugar added, not the flavored ones, just the straight up cranberry tart stuff!

Sun is out and so I'm going to cut this short and go for a walk, I think it will do me some good!
LIVE WITH PASSION AND SAVOR YOU FOOD! YOU ARE BLESSED!
DJ

skpshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

2011-07-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

THAT's the sound of me opening a can whip-ass on cancer. We are elated that my cancer marker came down from 178 to 21.5 yesterday! Talk about that light at the end of the tunnel getting brighter! I need to wear shades now!

I am feeling well, have all my prescriptions filled, have a happy pharmacy to do business with and I start hypnosis tomorrow with Alicia Talley of Hypnotherapy. She's helped me so much in the past with the challenges of my last divorce and I know she'll get me in full harmony with my chemotherapy. I'm excited to have her love, help and support on this journey, what a blessing!

I am also really excited to take the leap and attend a group class for women going through chemo and receive some professional training on all the physical changes we go through on this journey. I have not wanted to be around anyone with cancer, but with this last side affect of the over tearing of the eyes, I'm ready to see how others are dealing with the disconnect of who they see in the mirror every morning. Am sure I will learn lots in this 2 hour work shop over at Providence Cancer center and hopefully make some beautiful friends along the way.

No big weekend plans other that resting and letting my batteries recharge for the following work week. Busy trying to financially plan this journey out to the end of the year. My last chemo session is on Nov. 3rd with the 10th being another CT scan, full xrays and blood work up. They want a 4 week gap between my last chemo and surgery so that puts my earliest potential surgery date as December 1st, however Picozzi said that is negotiable. However, for insurance reasons I need to work a few days in December before surgery and we are all just hoping and praying that Dr. Ryan works in December. I will call him after the results of my CT scan scheduled on July 28th hopefully with the good news that my tumor is operable so I can get on his December schedule. It's stressful trying to plan this out financially plus December is the best time to be off work for a month, nobody will miss me! I'm doomed if Dr. Ryan pushes this into January. Pray! Pray! Pray!

I bought a diuretic today. I've never taken one before and hope that maybe since the tearing is caused from water rentention that the tears will stop when I take the diuretic. It's worth a try. I gained 6 lbs in water weight in a week!!!!! EEWWWWWWWWWW! Feels like I'm 6 months pregos! LOL

We finally have the www.CancerDiva.com website up and live so you can go online and volunteer or order your tickets. Space is limited so HURRY! They are $50 pp and that includes dinner, spirits, music, dancing, karaoke, silent auction and dessert auction! FUN TIMES ahead Oct. 7th at the Venue! If you have a business to promote, sign up to be wine, beer, or bottled water sponsor. You are also welcome to donate anything to the silent auction!

Let the Auction begin! Today we are auctioning off Mariners Tickets! 1 set of 2 tickets to Sunday August 28, 2011 Section 125 Row 13 Seats 5 & 6 vs Chicago White Sox. A VIP parking pass is included!! (at least $20 value). Tickets are currently being sold on Mariners.com for $69.12 ea (plus $7 fees ea). They are excellent seats, behind/to the right of home base; only 13 rows back! Highest bidder.

Hope you all have a fantabulous weekend! Make it memorable! LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Back to chemo

2011-07-14T05:19:00.000-07:00

Well, we are back to week # 1 of this series of chemotherapy today. I feel a little more anxious than normal. It's also the first treatment with my port, which doens't feel totally healed yet so guess we'll see how smoothly this goes. Am anxious to learn what the exta hole in my neck is for from surgery.

I've been going over in my head all my side affects and what I'm able to do to combat them. Yes, I said combat because this is a war between Cancer and me.

Fatigue = Rest
Nausea = Prochlorperazine & Lorazepam (only works when taken together for me)
Insomnia = Zolpodem (aka Ambien)
Bloating = still working on a solution for this & getting used to looking pregnant. I even have moment in there like I felt when I did have a baby in there. WEIRD as I'm begging to wonder if there IS an alien in me on some days.
Occasional Severe Stomach Pains/Cramping = Vicoden as needed
Severe Red Dry Peeling Face days after chemo = Dexamethasone
Hair Loss = Shaved my head and wear hats, scars and gorgeous wigs!
Peeling hands and feets = lots and lots of lotion (bag balm)
Nail bed sensitivity = nothing but being extra careful when painting my nails
Extreme Metal Mouth = nothing helps this but I do eat with plastic siverware
Flush Mouth/Sores = Brush with Arm and Hammer w/Peroxide toothpaste and have to brush my cheeks and tongue really good but it works. Taste like shit, but solves the probably beautifully
Excessive Tear Production = still working on a solution
Weight Gain/Water Retention = still working on a solution
Hypersensitivity to smells = trying to enjoy foods more with my nose instead of mouth that I love
Scars from chemo = Plan to get some of those mederma patches and see if they help reduce the burns
The daily psychological warfare between cancer and me = starting hypnosis on Saturday with plans to go every other week and see how I do, I may need this weekly to survive as we progresss further _ bug thank you to Alica Tally for coming to my rescue AGAIN! Last time she treated me while I was going through my 2nd divorce and what a world of difference she made.
The pancreatic cancer odds = we don't discuss this, My medical team is positive and determined to get me through this, as are all my friends, family and ME!!!!!

On a positive note, I have regestered for a 2 hour workshop at Providence put on by ACS and FeelGoodLookBetter foundation so that I can get some hands on help on how to look good with all these physical handicaps coming at me. It will also be nice to meet some other women that are going through the same thing I am. I never thought I'd want to put myself into a group setting, but I've changed and I want to do this like yesterday. Waiting for a call back with my registration for Monday's class. This will be the best thing I've done for myself in a while.

Part of my way of coping with cancer, is pretending I don't have it. So, I have avoided other people with cancer like the plague. Not that I think their cancer is going to jump off of them and onto me but I'm so much about energy. I am very intentional about surrounding myself with positive energy. Have you seen the energy on the chemo floor at a hospital? No, you haven't because there isn't any. Everybody deals with this differently and I don't want to be around those that are giving up, angry or just down right negative no matter how you slice and dice it. On the other hand, I would be MORE than happy to help anyone that needs help that I may be able to offer, even if that means just feeding off my positive energy. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and feel it's important to help as many people as I can along the way. I'm no expert but I know what I know and that I can share. Nobody should have to go through this alone.

Is there a message in here for you? YES....maybe YOU need to do a little house cleaning in order to have a happier life. If you have negative people in your life, limit your time with them. All those drama kings and queens, keep them at arms length. Only surround yourself with positive people and you will be AMAZED at the impact just this one thing does for you. There is a reason I'm so happy everyday, I love all the things around me, the people, places, etc. Did you know happy people get sick less??

Now, to go back and get some sleep so I'm rested for my date with Dad today.........hmmmmmmm, what to wear, what to wear??????
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

It's not shopping. It's an adventure!

2011-07-13T23:16:00.000-07:00

So we dediced to pop in this new Winco in Lacy where Tim thinks it will be a good store so we do some power shopping. They happen to have the best buy on Muscle Milk Light in town! However, I could have done without the bitch charging at me with her cart, yelling, "Excuse me Mama" Now I see this cancer has turned me into some old hag called Mama. I wanted to respond you're excused Bitch this cancer is evil...........only at WINCO. It's always an adventure in there.

Meltdown.....

2011-07-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason today was a hard day. Emotionally, today was overload. You know what happens in a meltdown? Yep......time to call Dad! LOL My Dad for as long as I can remember, has ALWAYS had all the right stuff to say to me when I call him in tears. Back in the day, that was the only time he'd hear from me, was when my world was falling apart around me. That's why if too much time passes and I don't hear from my kids, I don't worry, they ALWAYS call when they are upset. Well, today was one of those days for me.

As usual........Dad nipped it right in the bud. He said, "Tut, you are so afraid of what you think you're turning into...." and that was all I had to hear. He was right. My fear is not of cancer of not beating this, my fear is what this is turning me into. From where I sit, it's turning me into a snappy b-tch (and an ugly one at that!)....OK, maybe from Tim's perspective too. LOL Seriously, I don't like what I see in the mirror and the feeling of being so short with people. It scares me more than anything what is brewing deep inside.

I understand that I have permission to get pissed off (but what's the point of that?) and I have permission to play the cancer card at anytime and say I'm just having a bad day..............but I miss ME. I miss the way I used to look, and the abundance of joy that was inside of me the majority of the time. What, did all that peel off with my skin in the shower too?

Let's face it. We ALL have a breaking point, I don't care how happy you are. I'm not talking about having a bad day............this is a REAL feeling that is inside of me everyday..............waking up and not recognizing who's looking back at me...........and that disconnection has triggered a negative energy that I can feel everyday. Call it cancer, or whatever you want.............it doesn't matter what we call it, it SUCKS! LOL

Dad's right though............I have to hang onto who I am. Even if that means only by a thread every day. I can't let THIS define me. It has certainly detoured me which Dad explained is temporary. He reminded me, I'm fighting for my life. ALL this is temporary and the REAL me is and always will be inside of me. Cancer can't change that, maybe for awhile, but not forever.

Everyone is being so understanding.........when in reality it's me that doens't understand. It's me that does not have the patience for even one bad day. I can't change this hand I've been dealt, but it will be me that decides how to play it out. I can do this! If I say that three times and click my heels I think I'll believe it!

It's so difficult to try and financially plan this out and then still have the energy and optimism to physically care for myself. I guess at some point you just have to let go. "this is me letting go" LOL

I love my parents.........they came to visit tonight............am sure they had too after that phone call in tears at lunch today. I also got a pep talk from Barb in my office (thank you Barb for listening and caring so much). Really, by the time I got home today I was a lot better.............I cling to those words "you're fighting for your life"..............sometimes I forget. And for that FEAR.........False Expectations Appearing Real ~ Need to keep that in check from now on. To beat cancer, you really have to kick fear's ass too.

Help me laugh on this journey..............especially at myself. It is the ONLY way I'm going to get thru each day. I don't mean just on the inside.....I mean that out loud stuff I love so much! It's impossible to feel bad when you are laughing so the more I laugh.......well, you get the picture.

Have I told you all we moved MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT to October 7th (Friday night at the Venue in Tacoma/Three Chicks Catering)? I've got corks coming in and am making a wreath and a cork board to auction off..........it is really giving me something to look forward too! Hope you are too!

Thank you so much for your patience with me during this difficult time. If I snap at you, it's only because I love you. (you do know we only hurt the people we love) LOL I appreciate your permission to feel bad but mostly all the love you have for me and opening your heart and sharing who you are with me. I am seeing the best of you and it's the most beautiful thing EVER!!!!!!

Let us all sleep peacefully tonight and have the blessing to wake up tomorrow and get to start over with a brand new day! (with no fear and less traffic!)
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Side Effects......

2011-07-11T16:18:00.000-07:00

....OK, this new side affect of over tearing of the eyes is REDONKULOUS! In fact, I didn't believe it when the nurse told me there is nothing I could do, that this is a typical side affect from the Taxodene...... I'm beginning to think rat poisoning would be easier on my system than this taxodene is. GEEZ! I think my lash girl told me the nickname for Taxodene is Red Devil.........DUH!!!!!

My eyes have been crying not stop since Sunday to the point that I don't even look like me anymore. WHO TOOK MY EYES? lol I am not sure I can take this for more days let alone months.....are you kidding me? I'm learning (one side affect at a time) that it's the ones that affect you visually not just physically that are the most disturbing. I'm really not liking mirrors, not that they've always been my best friend because I'm so fat in them, but now they are just down right evil!

Like I was saying, I didn't beleive the nurse so I googled my way to the truth. Which is........(insert drum roll here). There is nothing for taxodene tears. I'm going to try cucumbers and more sleep which she said might help since I'm getting only a few hours a day. Yep, time to double up on the Ambien since it's not working at all for me now.

I also don't like my hands peeling........when do the symptoms stop popping up? I'm going to look like a super alien but the end of these chemo treatments. I think at least 3 layers of my face came off in the shower this morning......I kept rubbing and rubbing and peeling and peeling.........I'm not even using a scrub or a washcloth (not suppose too, now I know why LOL).

This is me whining showing my human side............I have to vent in here. Not every moment is an inspiration, sometimes they're just moments. And they ain't always pretty. LOL

The crazy in all this is it's just pissing me off now. The tears are causing road rage. Drivers are irritating me now. What used to roll off my sleeve now gets under my skin in the car.............just because I'm crying all the time?????? Drivers beware of a raging red convertible coming at you in your review mirror if you are not using you blinker and driving friendly. I have cancer and it may as well be a shot gun LOL

I thought a little shopping might make me feel better.......this is what I came out of Safeway with, and now that I'm home, it all sounds terrible...........vinegar salt pringles, vinegar salt lays, flat pretzels, round pretzels, super crunchy peanut butter, pomegranate pop sickles, acai berry pop sickles, velveeta mac & cheese, blue cheese chucks, ground turkey for lord only knows what for?????, and a dark recees. LOL Obviously, NOT the diet of champions! OH, and I've decided to take a break from my Special K chocolate and see how I do with Cinnamon toast crunch. LOL I think cereal is the ONLY thing that tastes even close to what it should taste like and sometimes peanut butter does. Imagine food with NO salt whatsoever.........bland and metal.............eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww! That's what I taste, even toothpaste taste horrible. I keep forgetting to get some cinnamon gum though..........that might be helpful.

I'm all done venting.................going to go have a Pringle moment now.
LIVE WITH PASSION ~ DJ

I think I hugged too much last night...

2011-07-09T14:59:00.000-07:00

...my port woke me up at 1:30am hurting..........OUCH! I held off on the vicoden but it kept me up for a couple hours...............UGH. I think it was from hugging too much at the Wine and bling party last night. LOL

Speaking of Wine and Bling..........OMG what a spectacular evening!!!!!!! I was up and present until 10pm! That's means I'm starting to recover! YEA!!! We had I'm sure well over 30 gals in attendance, some I'd met for the very first time. I can't describe the feeling a being in a room filled with beautiful women from the inside out surrounded by BLING (one of my many guilty pleasures) LOL I have to do a HUGE THANK YOU to Terrie Owens for her support on this, Val for hosting, and Scott and Sharon Fox for their facial peel donations. I'm speechless at the support and willingness from everyone to help me in anyway they can on along this journey. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!! I mean that soooooooooo much. I even got to shave Jacob's head and Jim shaved his too, thanks Terri for the help on that! I don't think I missed any calling as a barber. LOL The night was incredibly memorable and I can't wait to share pics when I get them..................all I can say is, WOW I HAVE GORGEOUS FRIENDS! lol My parents showed up to show their sincere appreciation for all the support these girls are passing along to me. It was just such a night to remember forever and ever.

I have to apologize, I just found out that the Fred Hutch newsletter that I posted was a hoax. It sure sounded good though. LOL See how easily we (or at least me) buy into what we read? I promise I will never post something again without verifying it's origination. So sorry for wasting your time. I was all ready to quit eating half the foods I'm eating and even had myself convinced I have cancer because I drank too much milk all my life. LOL or was it ate too much chocolate? Don't get me started on the artificial sweeteners LOL

I've decided to create a 12 month inspirational calendar for 2012 that I'll be selling and sending out to my peeps. Aside from the inspiration, it will also have some coupons for the businesses that my peeps are shining behind! I think it will be a good thing and then I'll work on a cookbook (thak you Linda for the great idea). Keep in mind, I still need to sell houses and make a living along this way. LOL Not sure where I'm finding the time for all this but think surgery will birth the cookbook since I will be out of work for a couple months. So be gathering up your favorite recipes for me! I will be asking for one or two of your favorites for a book of 100 recipes. Some mine, some yours.

I really feel like this cancer is a 2nd chance for me..........will write more on that later. 2nd chances are NOT OVER RATED! If you get one, JUMP ON IT! (no pun intended) I have myself convinced I'm living with cancer, not dying of cancer. Not at anytime I have ever asked any Dr. how much time do I have left (with only 6% odds, I'm sure that's the first question everyone wants to know). I only wanted to know is how long will this take to beat................failure not an option or even a thought. HOWEVER, as I am forced to put my financial affairs in order for my sons, it scares the shit out of you! Preparing to die (just in case) is one of the hardest things I've had to wrap my thoughts around...........it saddens you to tears. I think it's different if you do it now when you are healthy..........as a precaution, but when you know you actually have a fatal disease and that you HAVE to put your affairs in order, it is heart breaking to think of your children having a life without you. It's a nightmare in fact. I don't even want to go there, but wanted to make a point to you to write your letters, and get your affairs all in tact now if they are not already.................it will be so much easier and not so painful to process. OK? Just do it ~ Nike does! So I'm curious, who out there wants my bike that I'm so emotinally attached too, oh you know the one!!!!!!! LOL

I have to do a reach out to my dear friend, Marty Markey who wants to do a fundraiser at her bank of some sorts so if you have any ideas, please let us know. She's such an angel! It was so good reconnecting with her last night, been way too long as with many peeps that I have seen her. She held my hand the whole time we talked, it was touching to feel all that love from her heart.

Every one of you is this miracle in my life. Your words, your support of any kind is beyond what I ever thought imaginable in this world. I hope through my words you can see and feel what I feel............this is a great life, you just have to look for the greatness instead of letting the daily grind distract you from all that is beautiful. People are sooooooooooooooooo beautiful and their smallest gesture from a smile to a prayer is so profound. I had no idea I had this much love wrapped up around me, this many people that cared this much that think somehow I'm making a difference in their life, when all I can see is the huge ripple they are putting in mine! What comes around goes around so give give give as much as you can of yourself..........you have plenty and even more than you think, we all do.

I am volunteering to help American Cancer Society next year at Relay for Life and help educate those that are currently battling cancer. I should have my book out by then............depending on where I am on this journey. Thank you so much Robin for the SOS call, I'm happy to give back on this journey!!! In fact, it is my purpose.

A friend recently called me, and one of her best friends just got diagnosed with liver cancer and is devastated and wants me to talk and coach her. I'm so touched that she is reaching out to me to help and I can't wait to hold her hand and share all that I have that she's willing to absorb. Baby steps in the beginning as it's all you can do to just accept the news.

Much love to you all and have a wonderful weekend...............off to Scott and Sharon's for dinner tonight with some other friends so another beautiful evening ahead! LIVE WITH PASSION! ~ DJ

Feeling GREAT............

2011-07-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

the day just keeps getting better and better.............the sun is even coming out! Excited for the Wine and Bling fundraiser tonight at Val's house! If you can't make it for any reason and would like to order something online, you can do so at www.MyTouchStoneCrystal.com/TerrieOwens and just put Dawn Jump as the hostess at check out.................all Terrie's profits from this event are going into the Dawn Jump donation account. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT! YOU ARE ALL ANGELS IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!! and know that even your thoughts and prayers are making a HUGE difference in my life........you just really have no idea! There are no words to express this much gratitude! LIVE WITH PASSION! ~ DJ

Vicoden to the rescue!

2011-07-08T05:31:00.000-07:00

I typically wake up every morning between 4 and 5 am. My body is usually hungry and ready for my Special K chocolate and meds to get my day jump started. However, I do usually go back to sleep until it's time to get up and actually START my day.............today was a little different.
For the first time since I've started chemo, I woke up to excruciating pain that had be curled over in the fetal position. I could barely walk to the bathroom. It didn't take me long to realize something is wrong and I can't take the pain so I took some milk and vicoden to ease the pain.........which it is. I can't help but wonder what would cause this much pain so suddenly. I've decided maybe this is what it feels like when the tumor is trying to detach itself from my main artery. There, Dr. Dawn has a diagnosis. LOL Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. However, I will call and notify Dr. Picozzi of this sudden new symptom before it turns into a habit. Maybe it will tell him something different??
I have a busy day off planned...........lunch with my former boss/mentor Kevin downtown and then Sylena and I are off to the the Wine and bling party this evening over at Val's house. Sooooooooooo, being in pain is not an option, so vicoden is coming too! LOL I had to cancel my last lunch date with Kevin back in June before I started chemo because I was in too much pain, and I refuse to cancel today!
I've found the people that are worrying the most are those that have not seen me, so I'm really trying to make time for those friends so they can see me doing good, not poorly so they will worry less. Plus I'm enjoying all the time with friends soooooooooooooo much. It keeps me happy on the inside!
I have to do a big THANK YOU to Mandy with MeMeandCompany for the complimentary lashes yesterday. AND she's sporting a new purple wristband for me. Frannie, my favorite lash girl moved to Utah to find a good Mormon to marry but I have to say, her replacement CJ is wonderful. CJ is even looking into eyebrows for me so I'm ready if and when that times comes and my eyebrows start to fall out too. Hopefully I can keep my lashes and brows but I want to be prepared. She also told me about this charity, FeelGoodLookBetter that helps women with cancer that she also volunteers for that I'm going to go check out today. That shows me she's really a good person with a big heart. I love her already so if you are thinking of getting lash extensions, please go see CJ at the salon, tell her DJ sent you! Life is short so why not have big sexy eyelashes that you never had to put mascara on?
I've got some auctions items already that I'm taking tonight to drop off to Sharon. I still want to make one of my wine cork wreaths so if you have any corks you don't want............pass them along to me so I can get this wreath made for the MY BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT! in September.
There's a wonderful day in front of all of us! I heard a quote on New York housewives last night, "Here's to the small things in life. At the end of the day, it's the small things that matter most" and I just LOVE that........Luan's Dad always told her that.
So today, do something small for someone and appreciate all the small things that are done for you. LIVE WITH PASSION (FYI, I have finally put that on my voicemail) ~DJ

When I grow up...

2011-07-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

I never dreamed I would be a cancer survivor, but I sure as hell am excited to become one! Reality has set in more than ever.......
My face is burned as a reaction to chemo, my nail beds are ultra sensitive, I'm in and out of nausea, my mouth feels like it's full of dimes, exhausted, and Tim just shaved my head tonight...........GOT CANCER? Yes I do, but just temporarily.
Surgery for the port went well today, again, AMAZING team at Virginia Mason! You won't believe this. I was feeling very nauseous from being off my meds the night before and morning of surgery and so didn't feel well at all arriving at the hospital this morning at 7am. I was so impressed with my anaesthesiologist, as she came in and introduced herself and asked how I was doing. Curled up in the fetal position with pillows I said, "fine". Then there was a silence as she realized I was lying and then she said, "are you sure?" and then I confessed about the nausea. She immediately put an IV in and ordered up some meds to get that nipped in the bud right away...............WOW, she could have just as easily accepted my "fine" and gone about her job, but she didn't. THIS WOMAN REALLY LOVES HER CAREER AND CARES! So, needless to say I fell in love with her and we chatted up a storm after I got to feeling better. I requested to meet Dr. Nuzel, my surgeon as I had never met him up to that point so they paged him and he came down to introduce himself before surgery and answer any questions...........we clicked like two peas in a pod, he's from Tennessee! Redneck to redneck, we just had a great chat. He also had a great talk with my folks after surgery and told them if they EVER had a question to please call him and/or stop by his office if they were in the building..........LOVE AT FIRST SITE, ya think?
My right shoulder is a bit tender and sore but all in all it was a good day. I'm tired still but think I'm better than I was yesterday. Plan to take the day off tomorrow to rest with no company, and relax as I am the manager on duty this weekend and we have the big summer festival in West Seattle going on so I need my energy for that more than a typical Wednesday's day work.
I LOVED having my sons under my roof. Amanda and her family gave me a beautiful purple hanging basket that I now have in the back yard. THANK YOU!!!!!!! You know what was hard though? it was very difficult and emotional for me to be sick in front of my sons. It's hard allowing your children to see you so vulnerable and so seriously sick. I had no idea it was going to be like that, I'm so used to waiting on them so it was not natural allowing them to care for me. It made me sad. I remember how hard it was for me seeing my mother so sick and it broke my heart to have to put them through that. They too have had their reality check now too and know how serious my condition is and that I am going to get worse before I get better. We are all on the same page now, MamaLou made sure of that! LOL My folks have one goal, and that's my well being and I can see they are not going to let anything or anyone get in their way. How blessed am I? I love them more than words can say and having them so close by gives me so much peace of mind..........honestly takes the stress out of everything for me so I can concentrate on just healing one day at a time.
Now, about this head shaving..........it was not bad at all and at least now I don't look like the supermodel from Tales from the Crypt! I feel so much better and if I can find some way to get rid of this burn on my face so I can look my best, I don't think shaved is that bad, especially for summer! Now I didn't much like sweeping my own hair off the floor but that's the price you pay for a good hair cut in my house. LOL Consider yourself warned.
Please say a prayer and thank God for your health today and every day.........it is such a gift. This journey is hard and I wouldn't wish it on ANY of you! I pray for health and love for everyone! I also am so grateful God has brought my family to me and each of you on this journey with me. I couldn't do this alone. Nobody could. God intends for all of us to grow on this journey. It's amazing the people that love you will share the bad along with all the good, if you let them. xoxoxo
LIVE WITH PASSION! ~ DJ

I see a pattern now....

2011-07-03T12:45:00.000-07:00

This round of chemo really knocked me for a loop. I am now realizing I do have a pattern. The 2nd go around of chemo is the one that knocks me for a loop. It sucks my energy and usually comes with nausea. Now more than ever, I know I need to savor my week off and focus on getting that energy rebuilt back up for this 2nd week of treatments.
Now to back peddle. I had a WONDERFUL dinner with my BFF Carmen on Friday night. Gosh she sure makes a pretty blonde!! We met up at the Cheesecake factory in Bellevue Square. Seeing is believing and I know her seeing me happy and alive was just what she needed to feel the faith that I feel everyday. I feel like my BFF is right here with me now and, like every other curve ball life has thrown our way, we will get through this together! We always do! We don't have time to feel angry or be mad at God and wondering "why Dawn"..............we just need to believe God put me on this path for a very good reason, and that I will survive it and make it a positive journey!
Right after dinner I got to go pick up Ryan from the airport. Well, by this time I'm really tired and exhausted, but at the same time so excited to have my two sons home with me, I could hardly stand it. Had Ryan in tow by about 9:30 pm and brought him home. Not any home he's known before, but the place he knows he'll always have a home because that's where my heart is. I think it's important for kids to have a place they know as home, even if they never lived there. Home is Mom. I'm confident both Ryan and Tanner know that. I've moved so much over their lifetime, not sure they can even remember every house, but they remember being home with me, regardless of where that was.
Tanner and Amanda arrived with their new puppy "Marley" around 10:30 and unfortunately I could not keep my eyes open any longer so I went to bed at 11pm. I think I was out before my head hit the pillow LOL
Anxious for morning, up at 5am like usual for my bowl of special K chocolate to get something in my stomach to settle it down and get my meds in and working before the boys got up. I made them cinnamon French Toast for breakfast, like the good old days. LOL It's so cool seeing them around table with me. Seems like a lifetime ago when they were around the table all the time. Where did all the time go???
We had a really nice dinner with my folks last night here at the house. I BBQ'd salmon with my secret sauce, not that I could taste it since my metal mouth is on overload right now. Week 2 is always really have metal and the nose bleeds are the worse then too. UGH! Calgon take me away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are PUMPED up for casino day today! My folks came over this morning and Dad made his famous amaretto pancakes. Notice how us Polka's have famous foods we are known for..........we like to cook! LOL My brother has his gifts too! All of us that are 21 are headed to the casino later today to make it rain. Tanner is already stressing over the possibility of losing LOL so MaMaLou is pay rolling him if he loses. LOL
Oh, I almost forgot, I got a new watch..............IT'S MY CANCER DIVA WATCH!!!!!! Needless to say, it's purple! As soon as I figure out how to take a picture with my new camera and post it on here I will start putting more pictures on the blogs...........there are lots of things I want to share yet..........the beautiful pot my niece made me, the super cool Cancer Blanket from M'Lee and some other things too.............pictures are worth a 1000 words.
Hope everyone is having as wonderful 4th of July weekend as I am.........much love to you all!!!!!!! LIVE WITH PASSION! ~ DJ

Back to this hair thang...

2011-06-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

...it has come to may attention that this is just going to be easier to deal with if go ahead and shave my head. It's thinning so much it hurts so I see a GI Jane in my very near future! I've decided to make fun of my new look at the upcoming Wine and BLING night at Val's house net Friday night.......Terri is bringing her shaver and we'll do it there! OH Yea, now you want to come an see my sexy Gi Diva Dawn self huh?
I really have a much better understanding now of how men must feel when they lose their hair and the whole receding hairline thing. Poor guys! Although, I know a LOT of women that just love bald men so go figure. It's like each hair is just a piece of your self esteem. I get it now!! Now I'm super glad I'm a chick, just unfortunate a chick with cancer right now........but only temporarily!
Exited to have new longer, stronger hair grow back, like bionic hair!!!!!!

Today went well at Virginia Mason. Finally my last treatment in a vein! They have me scheduled for surgery on Tuesday at 7pm to get a port installed. I should be out of there by noon! But, I actually have next week off from chemo so going to savor EVERY day of it!!!!!

I'm really tired and exhausted so making this a short post today. Headed to bed to try and catch up on my missed rest last night. I was up all night from the steroids and didn't take a sleeping pill till 4am (my bad). LOL And the chemo takes so much out of me anyway with all the drugs they put you on so I'm a zombie right now .

Much love to you all! LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Crazy Happy Day!!!

2011-06-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

Any day that starts out topless just can't help but be a GREAT day! LOL I was pleasantly surprised when Tim stopped by my office to check out the purple wall. AND buy me lunch over at QVC ~ I took a leap of faith and ventured into a spinach vege wrap that was off the hook! WOW, never knew veges could taste so yummy! I'm saving the other half for tomorrow's lunch!
I honestly don't know how anyone could get cancer and just give up. The friends and the support, the messages, text messages, etc are soooooooooooooooooo inspiring and remind me of just how lucky I am to be here today! I love you all so much, and can hardly wait to see all you 30 year high school reunion peeps! So many of you have reached out to me and it just brings tears to my eyes and touches my heart in a way I can't possibly put into words. You are amazing! and I hope your life is filled with one blessing after another! I can't wait to hug you and tell you in person, I love you!!
I got a really good message out of the Bacholorette last night..............remember the guy (I can't remember names) that wanted to find the one someone in his life to live in a bubble with. To know you two love each other more than any other two people in the world....................?????????? As unrealistic as it sounded at the time, I get what he's saying and wants. Why settle for anything less? We ALL can have that degree of love and trust in a relationship, we just get distracted by other things that create barriers for us. I know we can have it all! The first step is just believing that you can. I have noticed the more I open up to Tim, the more vulnerable I become, the better my relationship becomes. His patience this past two years in breaking down my walls and all the baggage that comes along with broken hearts has never ceased to amaze me. I feel like I have that bubble with him. Not to the point that I'm co-dependant on him but I LOVE and treasure being with him, and I love and adore missing him when we are apart. It's a healthy combo!
THANK YOU JANET for the beautiful gift basket today at work...........You are soooooooooo lovely! We need to set up a date when I'm in Federal Way, I just miss you soooooooooooooooooo much!
My best friend, probably along with some others is not handling this journey as well as I want them too. I know I could not deal with one of my closest friends having cancer. It's easier for me to have the cancer and fight this with all that I am, so I'm glad my friends are not having to take this path. I am learning as I go on how to help them cope so they can see the light that I see. I feel it's easier to be in the battlefield than watching the fight. I think the only answer is time, spending quality time together cherishing what we have spent years building. Some of my friends are so close, on the same scale as family. I know my heart does not know the difference.
If I were you, I would call and make plans to see a friend that you love............pick the one that you have not seen in the longest, regardless of how long it's been, it's been too long.................call right now please!
LIVE WITH PASSION~ DJ

Standing back up again...

2011-06-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

.....Ok, so I survived the hair loss yesterday and am forever grateful for Terri coming to my rescue to cut my hair and drop off a bunch of scarfs, wigs, headbands, etc for me to play with. We will be back on the pavement on Tuesday with a mission to find a great wig I can be comfortable wearing and not look like, well you know...............a porn star. LOL
I realize this is just part of the journey we're all on together. I know nobody will love me any less without hair than they do with hair. It's just a vanity thing. We are all attached to our appearance and associate our own identity with it, whether it be your hair, eyes, height, weight, the list goes on.............So when it's altered by no choice of your own, you feel, well.................violated. A part of me is certainly angry that I have to deal with a more high maintenance schedule now in the mornings to get ready and go, but it's not the end of the world. The chemo is working, and the hair loss just proves it. I just have to remind myself to keep my eye on the prize!
Speaking of prizes..................I want to be engaged! Our relationship is certainly at that natural evolution but how do you fit it into all this mess? Cancer and medical bills...............LOL UGH! We need to win the damn lottery! I overheard Tim refer to me as his fiancee on the phone the other night it just lit me up from the inside out...................it's time. I just need to get all this other mess out of the way. On day at a time I guess, anybody have any patience I can borrow? LOL
Time to have some fun with this whole hair and wig thing so as soon as I get my new phone I will figure out how to post pics from my phone to my blog and facebook.......................more good times ahead!
I am ELATED with Ryan and Tanner arriving on Friday to celebrate 4th of July all weekend long with the family. We have a casino day picked out so will make it rain!
FYI, my surgery is scheduled for July 5th to install my port.................one more painful chemo to go and the port will take over.................YEA!!!!!!!!!!
Oh boy, now lets see what kind of drama unravels on the Baccalaureate tonight. LOL
Much love to you all and thank you for your support during the hair collapse!
LIVE WITH PASSION! ~ DJ

Today's THE day............

2011-06-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

Well, it's a Sunday morning wrap. After my shower this morning I was left with about half my hair. You should see my bathroom, hair EVERYWHERE and I don't have the strength to clean it up. I broke down today over this whole hair loss thing. I thought I was doing good ordering some scarfs, wig shopping but obviously I was not doing it quickly enough. I'm out of time and hair. TODAY I have to get my hair cut, or shaved. Not even sure what my options are at this point. I have faith that Terri or Mandy will come to my rescue today and the day will end on a positive note.
I'm at the office, covering the phones till 1pm then MOD the rest of the afternoon. I'm so emotionally raped I definitely don't have my MoJo going on, but I'm here! That's a big step!
This not having a phone to call someone when you need them is not so fun either. Sprint has shipped my phone so guessing I'll have it tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest. Then have to find time to learn how to use the darn thing. UGH! Just when you get comfortable with technology, they go and change it all on ya!
It's a gorgeous day today...............beautiful sunshine! Great day for cruising topless! Tim and Sylena even washed my car for me yesterday so she looks pretty! Feels good but still doesn't quite make up for going bald. LOL
It's going to be a long day.................a really really long day. LOL I will feel better once I know I have a date for a hair cut later today. LOL I don't think I can take any more hair in my brush or hand again. I knew this was coming, but thought I had a couple more weeks to get my things in order..................darn it.
I am grateful I'm alive! I did smile on the way into work and remembered, it's just hair, and that's a sign that the chemo is killing off everything, including the cancer! so this path I must travel.
Go out there today and ENJOY this glorious day!!!!!!!!!! I promise I will be in better spirits after my haircut! xoxoxox
LIVE WITH PASSION~DJ

Quick Update...

2011-06-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

I am out of my usually communication loop since my phone went down on me yesterday morning. However, I am doing well. We struggled a bit on Thursday with chemo trying to find a vein but all in all, everything went as well as it could. I have horrible scars and bruising right now.
Unfortunately, Dr. can not get me scheduled for surgery to install my port before my next chemo so I have one more arm duty to do on the left side..............UGH! That's the one I got burned and scarred for life on LOL Am going to try and get my surgery approved and whip that out on July 1st. That's the earliest availability. Oh, good times ahead. LOL
I am in the office all this weekend holding the fort down as manager on duty. So far so good. Sylena came in with me to work on my big mailing that has to get out PRONTO. Nice having a helper! LOL
With my phone out of commission for a few more days, best way to reach me is my hotmail account or facebook. Even when my new phone arrives, I still have to learn how to use it, the EVO 4G slider. UGH, dreading this whole touch screen technology.
Now my big decision is do I have Sharon Fox tattoo my eyebrows on for me and risk infection or not??????? I already broke the manicure rule and may pay the price as the guy cut me twice on both my pinky's so I have to try and heal them before infection sets in. UGH. The Dr. said if I do the tattoo, I have a one day opportunity to do so, July 13th is the day my blood count will be the highest, so it's then or never LOL Decisions decisions............Dr. Fox?? What would you do??
My hair is really thinning quickly and the wig hunt was a bit frustrating yesterday. They all look like wigs. LOL Was hoping to find something that just looks normal. I have a feeling I am going to be doing more of the scarf wrap thing. Time will tell but I need to be ready here soon.
I'm so excited for the fundraisers, and I can not thank you all enough for your support. The bills are pouring in weekly and every little bit helps, it really does! There are things that are outside of my insurance coverage so having your support is helping me travel this path with less stress. I love you so much for your prayers and support!!
With my cancer marker number down so low, I know God is listening to our prayers!! That is a good sign of good things to come. I'm VERY optimistic we'll get this tumor out of me in the Fall! and get this journey wrapped up for winter! I can't wait to be cancer free!!
LIVE WITH PASSION ~ DJ

Round III It's a wrap!

2011-06-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

Well, this morning started out a little rough in the chemo department. Nurse had a hard time finding a vein she could draw blood from. She also convinced me too that since the last treatment hit a weak vein that caused the taxodene to leak and burn me (permanent scar now) that I NEED the port installed. Needless to say the request is being processed for that surgery right away, hopefully before next week's cocktail. Another advantage of the port is the taxodene won't burn going in. I'm ready for the port!!! At least I can say I tried the old fashioned way.
I met with my vanity coach today too, and she taught me how to tie scarfs and wear and care for wigs. I need to avoid heat so guess sitting on Salty's deck in the summer under one those heat lamps is out of the question without my hair melting. LOL I'm excited to explore some new looks with wigs. I'm even thinking of getting a Bo Derek braided wig for the fun of it, not in blond of course but the braid thang. LOL
THE BIG NEWS OF THE DAY IS MY CANCER MARKER NUMBER IS DOWN FROM 1050 TO 178 so that is a great sign that things are working and I should be on schedule and ready for surgery in 6 months! YIPPIE.............my Dr came running in my room and gave me a high five when he got the news!
Goal is to have that number under 35. But dropping that much in 20 days is remarkable!! YOUR PRAYERS ARE WORKING!!!!!!!!!
I was really tired after today, in fact fell asleep in the car on the way home so this treatment took a lot out of me. We are mixing up my meds a bit to try and be more proactive about avoiding nausea so will see how we do this week. (fingers crossed)
We had a lovely dinner at my parents place tonight with comfort food, roasted chicken, macaroni and cheese, Caesar salad.................YUM and corn on the cob, a favorite of Tim's. I can tell you how wonderful it is having my parents so close by and getting to see them every week. I LOVE It! MaMa Lou packed us another great lunch today for our date too. She is the BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!
Off to bed................LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!
LIVE WITH PASSION! ~ DJ

Another GREAT day in Paradise!

2011-06-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

I am telling you I could soooo get used to this feeling "normal" that now I know I am REALLY going to look forward to my week off chemo each month. Aside from metal mouth it's the closest to feeling healthy that I'm going to get for God knows how long..........LOL
I received a referral this morning from my niece 'THANK YOU JESI" so I'm really excited to take a new listing and help them find their dream home. FUN times ahead!!!!! This is the stuff that just gets my adrenaline gurgling! LOL
We also have a wonderful new volunteer, the beautiful "Sharon Fox" that is going to oversee the auction at MY BIG FAT PURPLE fundraiser on September 17th. If you have anything you'd like to donate or would like to help her, please contact her at FaceWurks@yahoo.com. She used to be my neighbor across the street from me when I lived in Harbor Ridge Estates. Those were the good ol' days. Dang, I'd own that house today if I had never moved. Darn it! No going backwards though! I am really getting excited at all the fun things planned for that evening. FYI, You don't need to know me to attend, so pass along the details to all your family, friends and coworkers. IT will be the night of the year on Lake Tapps!!!!!!!!!
YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS GIRLS NIGHT IN ON JULY 8TH!!!!!!!!!! Foxwest (http://www.drscottfox.com/dr-scott-fox.htm) has kindly volunteered to collect $50 donations to the Dawn Jump Donation account and in exchange you can schedule a facial peel ($125-150 value). Perfect timing with the sun damage on it's way ~ You'll want to revive your face!!! Besides, we are all going to have so much fun!!!! I'll be drinking my tart cherry juice out of wine glass and watch you gals have all the wine I miss! I can live vicariously! BIG Thank you to Dr. Scott Fox and Sharon w/Foxwest!
I am hoping I feel well enough to go walk the Federal Way Relay for Life this Friday. If history repeats itself, I will. The weekend is what is really in question as far as nausea and side effects of chemo kicking back in. My niece and I (and Sylena~Tim's daughter) are planning to meet there at 6pm and get some exercise! and check out my peeps from MeMeandCompany!
Back to HAPPY HOUR tomorrow. I have some new questions for Dr. Picozzi like can I get my eyebrows tattooed and alleviate all this stress I'm having about losing my eyebrows. Lashes we can glue on, hair we can plop on but eyebrows, I can't draw. LOL Sharon with Foxwest has offered to do them for me but am guessing if I can't have a manicure, seriously doubt he'll be OK with a tattoo. LOL
I am looking forward to my date with Dad though tomorrow, that's always the best part and of course MaMaLou's lunch!
That's all I have for now...............LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Solstice Day

2011-06-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

...and what a beautiful gorgeous day it is!!!!! How awesome to wake up to sunshine!! and get to drive into work topless! (you all do know I drive a convertible, right?)
I feel amazing!!!!!!..........I don't even feel sick, I feel 99% normal and 1% metal mouth just not as strong as usual, this whole week out of the bar is NICE!!!!!! However, back to happy hour with Daddy on Thursday. I'm excited though I got to talk to my vanity coach today (Janet Bowman) and she is going to stop by and consult with me on Friday during my chemo. Hoping we get this eyebrow thing resolved before I'm a bare naked alien. LOL
I decided to wear my hair down today and couldn't help but notice A LOT more hair loss than usual with the blow dryer and straightener. I cleaned my brush BEFORE we started and had to do it again when I was all done, and the bathroom....YIKES, looked like I was in a hair pulling contest and the other person won. ooops, so I made my wig fitting appointment for Friday at 1PM up at Overlake hospital. This should be a riot!! Me and a room full of hair, are you kidding me? Good times!
We are gearing up at work for the big Summer Festival in West Seattle. Lots of work into for 3 days of power packed people handshaking and a watchin'. It's good for the area agents to go see and be seen there!
I got my new debit card today in the mail, was hoping for my head scarf but they just mailed it yesterday. Did I mention I lack some patience?
If you get one thing out of today's post, it's this. DON'T PUT YOUR LIFE ON AUTO PILOT! You miss ALL the fun that way! Live your life with some intention and purpose! Don't just sit back and wait for life to happen to you, go out and happen to your life! Damn it! LOL We live in the most beautiful state in the country and we take it for granted.......days like today are the days you really need to go out and LIVE LIVE LIVE like you mean it!!!!! We are all so lucky to be alive. I say we, because if you are reading this, you must be alive BUT you might just be flying under the radar in auto pilot. STOP IT!! SMILE and count your blessings starting with the first one, you got to wake up today!
My sons are all set to arrive on July 1st, I can hardly wait to see them again. Having my family with me on this journey is priceless, but having family period is priceless so don't take yours for granted. OK? Hug them today like you never have before.
LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Who wants a Bloody Date with Dawn?

2011-06-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those nights where you just have the most vivid dreams that are so detailed you swear they were real? Well, that was what my night was filled with. LOL It had Rascal in it (my last dog), my juicy watch, college, and a portfolio that I keep my things in.........................just some really weird random things. LOL
I'm so blessed to have had such a wonderful Father's Day WITH my Dad. Loved his post this morning! We are just like two peas in a pod. LOL Food was good, the company was even better! At this time, we're not sure he'll be available to take me to my chemo date on Thursday morning so my dear friend Sandy is my Plan B.
I've been thinking..................and with that comes growing. Internally. By that I mean, emotionally and spiritually. I'm not going to get into my spiritually on here, as most of you know my faith is between God and I and it's not a topic I discuss. However, WOW am I growing!!!! When I think about all the good that is wrapped around my tiny little world it is really overwhelming. Close your eyes for a minute. Think about you, the person you have become, the child, the sibling, the parent, the friend, the partner........think about all that you are to others. Imagine then that it was YOU that was diagnosed with such a deadly disease.........that is was YOU that was now in financial distress, in physical collapse, and so on..................then imagine someone you had never met put money into an account to help you pay a bill. Now think about THAT level of goodness, and multiply that. THAT is what you are capable of becoming. I have concluded that NONE of us have reached our full potential, it takes hundreds and hundreds of people and contacts to help us grow. OK, you can open your eyes now........LOL Guess you had to read this but my point was to get you to feel and not read. LOL So can you see now how important it is to take care of yourself, if not for you, for the people around you. Be your best so you can give your best................maybe if we all gave a little more, give when it's hard and when it hurts, and that's when the growing takes place. We all naturally do what comes easy, but we don't do the hard stuff. I am so deeply touched by the amount of support, not only from my family and friends, but from strangers..............people that give for the joy of giving. THAT is a miracle! We are surrounded by miracles every day and we take them for granted, I know I have but I'm hoping now I can be someone else's miracle. I know I can give more.................and so am asking for your help with this.

I can no longer donate blood. It breaks my heart and its been one of the nicest joys I get to feel every couple months. Now I have to be cancer free for one year before I can donate again, so I am hoping to find some replacement donors. It is more than likely that I will need a blood transfusion(s) before I'm done with this journey. I need you so save MY life and help me save others! If you already donate blood, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm reaching out to those that don't out of fear, inconvenience, time, etc. There are too many excuses for me to list. I would like to have a blood date with you. Call me, and I will buy you lunch and take you to donate. I'll hold your hand the entire time! Tanner, I am expecting you to step up here and help your mother! LOL If I can't get my own son to donate, how am I ever going to get others???????????? I typically donate in Federal Way at Cascade Regional Blood Center, they know me there and I KNOW they will take wonderful care of you, as will I. Would be fun to have a few girlfriends and make this a girly donation! LOL

On that note, let's see how many bloody dates I can get on my calendar!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION! ~ DJ

Happy Father's Day!!!

2011-06-19T08:05:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to get to spend a Father's Day with my Dad!! Really looking forward to our BBQ later this evening! GOOD TIMES!
I've got a link created on the facebook CancerDiva page with some more details about the end of summer fundraiser My BIG FAT PURPLE BENEFIT Check it out!!! I will have to do some figuring out how to actually post the event here on my blog with a button to order tickets (Ed.....that's your department LOL)
OMG, we had sooooooooooooooo much fun at the crab feed MSC charity event last night for Tim's surprise 50th bash with his friends. Tim was SHOCKED!! In fact, it was funny, he was not feeling well and I thought he was going to bail out on me there for a minute. LOL We had an amazing evening and our table even won best decorated table (thank you so much Pam and Janice)!! HUGE Thank you call out to Janice for pulling these peeps together, I could not have pulled this off without you, and I know Tim is deeply appreciative as well. He had an AWESOME time. Just love my man so much!! It was fun to surprise him!
Of course I'm a little tired today but my nausea is under control......voice and throat are a little rocky but I feel good. I'd say I'm a 9 today, and yesterday!!!
I really love that my peeps are wearing my purple wristbands and getting ask "what is that for"? My goal is to help increase pancreas cancer awareness along this journey and ultimately make a big ripple. Thank you to all of you wearing one, and if you want one and don't have one, I promise I will get one to you. I'm a little slow at getting them mailed out, but I will!!!
Go enjoy you Dad's today and know that you are loved!!! ~ LIVE WITH PASSION ~ DJ

The weekend is FINALLY here!

2011-06-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

I hit my wall yesterday around noon so left the office at 12:30 and came home and went straight to bed. When I woke up a couple hours later I had an M branded on the inside of my left elbow?? Same arm as my last cocktail. I know this is just another side effect, but it's itchy like a mosquito bite.
I was able to pull of chicken enchilada dinner with my parents, Sandy and Tim's friend Tim (little Tim to me). I think it takes 3 little Tim's to make just one of my Tim's. LOL The six of us really had a wonderful evening!
MamaLou said her friend's weight got down to 90 lbs after his Whipple surgery........can you imagine me at 90 lbs? OMG, that would be like 2 olives on two toothpicks. LMAO I'm not letting myself under 125, that would just be uncivilized! L O N G way to go and so far, I'm doing pretty good on my eating and only down 6 lbs so plenty of extra kilo to work with.
I got all my thank you cards written out to the peeps at work yesterday so feel good knowing they know, I REALLY appreciate their support.
My voice is a little better today, but still not normal.......I can't tell is this is my usual voice issue that goes in and out or if I'm coming down with something so I'm amping up on my vitamin C...........just in case!
It's raining today so I don't have to water the plants..........can just focus on writing up this counter offer for Jesica and Kyle, they're coming over at noon to sign on the dotted line. (Actually, it's not dotted but you know what I mean)
I'll be here most the day today (we have to head out for our crab feed charity event for MSC at 5:30) so if anyone wants to stop by and pick up their purple wristband, I'm here.........just have to run to liqueur store which should only take 30 mins for Tim's surprise later this evening............FUN EVENING AHEAD!
I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have a house cleaner! WOW, I had one back in 1997-2001, but forgot how nice it feels. THANK YOU MAMALOU! You are the best!! and I love you so much, Dad too!!!
LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Mama said there would be days like this...

2011-06-16T21:59:00.000-07:00

Sleepless night last night led to a slow start getting out of the gate this morning......thankfully I have Jamie in the office covering my back! Let it be known, "I heart Jamie!" and my floor back up Alice!!!
I printed up 3 calendars here at home and am starting to track my highs and lows in hopes of learning a pattern so I can better predict how I'm going to feel, if that's possible. It can't hurt!! plus it's all color coded and looks COOLIO!
We did get the fundraiser celebration party all set in stone.......! YAHOO! September 17th at Terri and Rick's place on Lake Tapps (aka paradise). Shain & Shelley w/Aflack will be providing the music/DJ/karaoking for the evening. GOOD TIMES AHEAD! We're going to be doing a silent auction, raffle, purple wristbands for sale, etc. Our goal is to sell 200 tickets so we can all together say goodbye to summer and my send off to a successful surgery. LOTS of things to celebrate! including each of you! THANK YOU TERRI & RICK, SHAIN & SHELLEY ~ and my mother of all angels, Val!! and lots more thank yous for those of you that are stepping up to insure this is a super fun and memorable night.
I think I was feeling a little tiny bit better today. Started getting sick out grocery shopping with Tim and barely made it home in time.........and then tried to close the bathroom door and picked up his bath scale only to have it fall on my big toe..........OUCH!!!!!!! Geez, like the cancer isn't enough, I need to go break a toe LOL We hit Trader Joe's tonight, just LOVE LOVE LOVE that store! even bought me a bunch of yellow and purple flowers to build an arrangement for the entryway.
I'm craving Mexican food again so planning on having my folks over for dinner tomorrow night for my Mom's chicken enchiladas and some Spanish rice along with all the trimmings. OH YEA!!
I'm taking all the drugs tonight (got another bill in the mail today this time from Virginia Mason) so am packing a punch with the drugs so I can just pass out and sleep through the night for a change.
Much love to you all and tomorrow is Friday so do something that scares you!!!!!! Just because Eleanor says so! Did I mention how grateful I am I don't have chemo this week.......my butt has been kicked this week! Next week I'm bringing my A-game!
LIVE WITH PASSION ~ DJ

Emotional Day....

2011-06-14T23:50:00.000-07:00

I struggled this morning, just getting out of bed. The bloody nose, nausea and now pain under my nails just makes me feel sick. I keep trying to convince myself I'm healthy and yet a new symptom will wake me up in the morning. After grabbing my mini bowl of cereal (remember, the Special K chocolate) I l layed down to let the food and medication marinate in my system. Then I decided I'd feel better working at the office than laying around the house feeling icky.
I was greeted right off the elevator from one of my favorite agents "Gini Jo" and it was such a treat. She claimed she was waiting for a client but followed me like a little puppy dog back to my office. I didn't think anything of it since we were carrying a conversation the whole time. When I turned the corner and saw this huge purple wall painted with pink "Live with Passion" my heart sank into my stomach. Over the weekend a group of agents painted the wall to remind me everyday that I'm not alone on this journey. There are not too many moments that I'm speechless but this was felt so deep in the heart I couldn't catch my words for a minute. The people I get the privilege to work with every day never cease to amaze me. I am surrounded by the best of the best and you just can't imagine what an honor that is. There were several times today I wanted to go home due to the nausea however, every time I walked around the corner and saw that wall, it inspired me to be strong and just work through the nausea and let it pass. Everyone was dressed in purple today too. I am going to beat this cancer, there is no way with all this love wrapped around me, I would ever fail at this battle!

I also came home to a package that was mailed from an old friend dating back to junior high school, M'Lee. She made me a gorgeous purple blanket with a purple ribbon right in the middle of it.......I've been snuggled up every night on the sofa with it and plan to take it with me to my chemo treatments (I get cold in the room and the heated blankets are just blankets minus the heat). LOL
I met my niece and her husband in Buckley after work to write an offer on a house and Jesica made me this stunning purple pot with fancy words...Dawn words, like Diva, Fighter, Passion, etc. and she planted a lavender in it so I couldn't wait to get it out back on our porch. I'm a flower whore and just can't have enough color in the yard to savor in a single moment. I can remember one time a zillion years ago, working in the yard with my X and he made a comment, "don't you think you have too much color in the front yard" and I responded, "do you really think people are going to drive by our house a go, EWWWWWW, they have too much color in their yard, drive faster so we don't have to look at it." LOL Ah, memories. LOL
Valerie has solidified the BLING for Dawn night at her house on July 8th at 7PM. Will be so much fun to shop and enjoy a girls night in. Haven't done that in sooooooo long. It's my hope that everyone will order a piece of jewelry to remind them of this journey with me, and that they are an angel to me. I want them to be reminded of their best! Because that is what each of you is giving me, and it inspires me to give my best on this journey too! Funny how that works, huh?
We watched the Voice tonight.......and Javier Colon sang a song that reached out to me from my Mother. I think of her every time I hear the song and it really made me realize all the people that love me so much and are here for me during this difficult time are not only angels, but an extension of my mother.......I believe she has sent each one of you to care for me in her absence. She would have been moved to tears today like so many of us were.

I am so grateful I have this week off from chemo. I feel the progression of the treatments already and don't think I could cope very well with every week. I think God understands my boundaries and blessed me with a week off each month.

Food is tasting horrible........the metal taste is very strong and most foods have lost their taste. Little bowls of cereal, cups of taco bell chili, sour things are tolerable. Food has lost it's color......it's not even black or white, it's all gray. AND YOU ALL KNOW I DON'T ALLOW ANY GREY IN MY WORLD! I run on hot or cold, black or white.......one of my dear faults. LOL

We are still looking for a place to hold the big fundraiser (got my First $850 bill in the mail today from Group Health due in 2 weeks.) OUCH! Three Chicks Catering will be providing the food for us but we're looking for a place with some parking that's not too far out that's, well you know. FREE! LOL

I was reminded today of something important. Some of you have already lost someone close to you from pancreas cancer so this journey is especially emotional for you. Thank you Shari!! and thank you for the Popsicles, washcloth and peppermint, I think it's going to help!! and I just want you all to know, I WILL COME OUT OF THIS A WINNER......A BIG SKINNY WINNER!

LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Lake Osoyoos Getaway...

2011-06-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

The drive to Canada was really nice..........could have gone without the strip search at customs but once across the border, it's been amazing here. Hot and sunny in the 80's. We savored up six wineries yesterday ~ my nose was working overtime. We have a variety of wines, already filled a case. Tim picked me out a really cool sunhat too! I even got compliments on it when we were out at lunch. It's very "Pretty Woman". LOL
I have been feeling A LOT better taking these papaya enzymes! They are really helping me along this way, and thankfully they're no expensive!
I got a little emotional last night in the room. For whatever reason, from time to time I just get scared. The big battle is sometimes overwhelming. I do better when I just take it one day at a time.
This trip is so nice...........the weather, we're just going to relax and hang by the pool today and then take Tim out for a nice dinner this evening to celebrate his 50th special day! I gave him a picture of his present this morning. LOL
I'm so grateful, being so in love and waking up to enjoy another day. A day filled with love and family. Hope where ever you are..........you are happy and healthy and grateful for the day you've just been blessed with!
LIVE WITH PASSION! ~ DJ

2nd Round of Happy Hour

2011-06-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

Day started out early, for some reason my biological clock alarm is going off at 4 am now in the morning and suprisingly, there is just not that much to do at that hour of the day. Guess I could start blogging at that time LOL
I felt good after taking care of the nose bleed leftovers from the night and got my morning Special K in me. I have to eat whatever time I wake up to get rid of the nausea. Special K is nice and bland and I eat the kind with little chunks of dark brown wax in them, oops I mean chocolate. I think it's the same chocolate they use for Easter bunnies. Which I have fond memories of but unless you go gourmet like Dilettante (my personal favorite) for Easter, theother chocolate is pretty nasty. All in favor of that statement, say I ~ see I heard you all!
We got so lucky today on level 2 (chemo ward)...........there was a cancellation so we got into the chemo an hour earlier than scheduled. It's amazing the work that goes into scheduling this.........a Dr. appt, blood draw and lab orders to pre-meds and then finally the ultimate moment ~ CHEMO TIME! You actually have to say that to the tune of MC Hammer's HAMMERTIME! amd then it's funny.
They gave me a form to fill out that you have to answer all these specific questions on side effects and asks how you feel. I wrote "Feel like a rock star". LOL That's my nickname on this floor. Nobody has picked up on the DJ yet but I like Rock Star so I'm all good with it!
First cocktail was a BITCH to me today................she burned and burned all the way up my arm and I kept checking the bag to see how much time was left, and it was TOO much so buzzed the nurse. She slowed the drip down and diluted with saline so that took the edge off. Still painful but tolerable so cocktail #2 is now and no pain at all. They give you the worst one first since it has the meanest side effects. Weird that it didn't bother me at all last time...........but left arm and port is much lower.
We also got a treat today and got to meet with my Dr Picozzi who I ADORE! We thought his was out today so it was nice to consult with him. Possible medication changes up the road, but I have the next 5 visits all scheduled and Thursday is dedicate PURPLE DAY from this point forward! You should check out my brother's sexy picture on my Cancer Diva Group page on facebook, he's all sporting a purple shirt and tie and looks HOT HOT HOT! Thank you big bro!!!!!!!!!
If any of you are on facebook, please friend me up if you haven't already and let me know you want in the group. Valerie will post fundraisers and request for help there. Please don't feel obligated but it's there if you want to participate.
We are still hammering out the date with Three Chicks Catering for the big event of the year fundraiser! Would you still be able to come if it was labor day weekend, I want to schedule it so Ryan and Tanner can be here with rest of my family.
Tara Sorenson is handling the air miles and you can find her on my facebook friends if you would like to donate miles.........would love to get my brother and his family up here too for that event.
Thom and Sharon arrived last night and my parents came over and got to meet them..........we really had a nice vist. And get this, Sharon had a main and pedi done for our trip in you guess it right! PURPLE!!
So we are matching sisters now too. Just love them to pieces!!!
Dad and I have enjoyed a lovely picnic lunch prepared by MaMaLou! Turkey Croissant, watermelon, hard boiled egg, veges & ranch, and of course my favorite chocolate chip cookies!!! LIFE IS GOOD!!Thank you MaMaLou!!! Love you tons!!!!!!!!!
Tim and I head out for Lake Osoyoos for his 50th birthday weekend.........you can email him a happy birthday on Sunday if you'd like rmruner@hotmail.com is his email. I was thinking of putting that on a billboard but funds just wouldn't allow it.

Have yourself a GREAT weekend!!!!!!! I am going to continue to chemo like a rock star! ~ LIVE WITH PASSION! ~ DJ

Foreplay to Wine Smelling Vacation

2011-06-09T13:56:00.000-07:00

Aside from the morning nose bleed, today has been a great day thus far! OK, I could have done without the ride in the elevator with a guy eating a peanut butter sandwich. LOL
We had our monthly sales meeting this morning which gave me an opportunity to thank everyone in our office for their prayers and support. It felt good and on top of that everyone had their A+ Sense of Humor game on too which really made it a fun meeting to attend. I've been giving out purple wristbands with deep appreciation!
Thom and Sharon (Tim's brother and sister-in-law) are joining us tonight for a sleep over! LOL They are headed on vacation with us tomorrow when I'm done with chemo. This wine smelling trip (Ok, tasting for them, smelling for me) is going to be so much fun!!!!!! If nothing else, will be good to just get away from everything for a few days and truly relax and hopefully have some great fun in the sun.
I get to walk over to keybank and deposit my first check from ConsignDesign today!! Tim found this amazing consignment shop down on the cusp of Seattle and Ballard that is soooooooooo cool! A few of my things sold right away so I'm excited to have an outlet for things I don't have space for anymore. Gave me some birthday money to spend on Ryan and Tim. Their birthdays are the 12th and 13th. My Gemini men!
Tim promised me we would stop and buy some LOTTO tickets on our way out of Dodge tomorrow.............I'm determined to WIN big! WIN BIG OR GO HOME.....my new motto LOL
Thank you so much Tara for overseeing the air miles so my family can travel to and from for visits with me. YOU ARE AN ANGEL!!!!!!! and I can hardly wait to see you on the 8th of July for our girls night in fundraiser!
I got to start on my steroids today to prepare me for chemo...........I'm also drinking a LOT of water to get my veins ready for action tomorrow! Am hoping MamaLou is packing us a lunch again, that was so much fun ~little picnic with my Dad! LOL I actually look forward to the happy hour dates (even though they do last way longer than an hour)........hopefully I can secure the latest appointment on Thursdays in the future which is the 3PM time slot. (keep your fingers crossed for me!)
Over and Out and thank for all the warm and fuzzy thoughts and prayers! LIVE WITH PASSION~DJ

I WON THE LOTTERY!

2011-06-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

OK, not really. However, I got my first six bills in the mail from Group Health and NEED to win the lottery so that's my new daily affirmation! LOL
Please forgive me for not writing the past couple days..........in the future at a minimum I will at least log in and write "please stand by" ~ that's an inside joke between Tim and I so you all know I didn't die or something. For whatever reason, the fatigue hit me like a Mack truck on Monday. I have been struggling to adjust to this new level of energy, or lack there of. It's hard, as most of you know, I'm a bounce off the walls type person so not having that level of energy to channel is a bit challenging. Work is picking up (THANK GOD!) and so I'm trying to take extra great care of my clients.
The success seminar yesterday was great! One of the one liners that really hit home for me was "Adversity is inevitable, but misery is optional". THAT IS SO TRUE! Honestly, no matter what curve ball hits you, you always have a choice, play the victim or become a better you. There are so many incredibly wonderful things that are already unraveling on this journey that to waste even a single minute feeling sorry for myself and asking that cliche, "why me?" would be uncivilized. LOL
The magnitude of appreciation that I am able to feel now is overwhelming! It is my goal to figure out a path so you can feel the same without a tragedy touching your life. If you could feel what I feel, your life would be a million times happier and I'm convinced you'd have an abundance of whatever it is you wish to have in your life. THIS IS THE WAY GOD INTENDED US TO FEEL EVERYDAY! I'm just not sure why we struggle with it and get so caught up in the day to day grind of life. I notice the littlest things, a smile from a stranger, eye contact, all the different shades of green in the woods behind us, etc. To say I'm grateful that I got to wake up today is an understatement. Our journey here on earth does have an expiration date, and none of us know when ours is. Cancer reminded that I have an expiration date and I want you to realize you have one too. Live IN the moment, don't take it for granted..........there is so much love in that statement, "live like you're dying"! The ONLY way you can really fulfill your personal purpose is to love, and love deeply and generously. Stop putting boundaries and conditions on the love you have to give..............it's not worth it. Why keep it all bottled up inside of you when you will feel a million times better releasing it to everyone you come in contact with. FORGIVE........it will release you from the chains you carry!
I'm sorry for preaching but if I don't pour what's inside of me out onto this screen or paper this journey will be for nothing. And that I can not let happen. There is one or two books that I will publish at the end of this journey. If my story can help even one person down the road, it will be all worth it, no matter how sick I may get. I can see the industry needs a "Diva's Guide to Surviving Cancer" already and who better to do that than me? I am all about simplicity (I just look high maintenance) LOL so a simple step by step guide to getting through from start to finish is definitely in order!!
What is your purpose? I honestly believe mine is to make a damn big ripple in the fight against pancreas cancer. To help as many people as possible along the way whether they have cancer or not. There is no difference between you and I. Just because I have cancer and you don't doesn't mean you can't fulfill your purpose and live your dreams......yea, even the big ones!
OK, enough of the soap box.............I am doing well. Tired and some nausea here and there but so far the side effects are manageable to me. Managing my own personal pharmacy is difficult too so need to figure out the pharmacy on the go plan.
We are leaving for Lake Osoyoos/Canada on Friday after my chemo treatment so pray that 6 hour drive goes smoothly and there's no immediate side effects from chemo that day. Tim's 50th b'day is on Sunday so we'd planned this road trip to wine taste and bask in the sun with his brother and sister in law for the extended weekend. I don't think I've ever met someone so into their 50th bday before. I think he'd like it declared a national holiday LOL SHHHHHHHH, don't tell him I typed that out loud! He's my rock so if I could I would!! Him and Obama are not on the same page so it's not going to happen though.
Now........back to my affirmation "I WON THE LOTTERY!" I'll bet winning the lottery will be the same feeling as the day I can say I am cancer free! Oh yea baby!
LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Day of SUNNY rest

2011-06-05T08:33:00.000-07:00

OK, now that we spent the day in the yard yesterday slaving over weeding the yard and planters, today we get to enjoy it!
We'll head up to Sears to grab a couple lounge chairs and then home to wash the convertible and rest rest rest!!!
I got some lovely cards in the mail yesterday that just made me smile from the inside out! Some from work and with thoughts from all our agents. Touched me so deeply. It really is such a privilege to work around such an amazing bunch of people with such big hearts! Not to mention all their wonderful real estate mojo! My boss Don has just been amazing during this whole process and beyond supportive. His sense of humor keeps things light and his heart is bigger than life!
Nems from THREE CHICKS CATERING has offered up the Venue for our big fundraiser, and Shain and Shelley the karaoke/DJ for the night and between Ed and Keleen, I think we've got the wine so we're on a roll! This will for sure be the funnest night of the year! Together we will rock the night away and share lots of hugs! and dancing! and everyone will receive a purple wristband from me personally! Dress code: Purple of course! No, it's not my favorite color (pink is) but I know it's the color for pancreas cancer awareness so purple it is! I did give myself and mani and pedi last night so I've got my purple on!!
There is so much concern about me getting sick and fear of any type of infection so I have opted to do my own nails and toes for this journey. Just concerned about the sanitary conditions on the tools they use to cut, push, and scrape when doing my nails. Besides, since I've moved I have not had my nails done so not committed to a salon yet. I am trying to get in the habit also of washing my hands ALL the time. The message I got loud and clear is my immune system, well, eventually I'm not going to have one so I need to avoid being around anyone that is sick, has the sniffles and even stay out of movie theatres! Yea, guess I'm going to find out what it's like to be a germphobia gal. LOL
I do feel great again this morning..........mostly just dealing with the metal taste in my mouth, and of course the sensitivity to the sun but so far, I'm off to a great start!!.........just got off the phone with MamaLou (we spent the morning on the phone together). It's so nice having family close by, it's just priceless! There's always been so many miles between my parents and me and now they're just six miles up the road........priceless!!
Well, I'm going to head downstairs and wake Tim and up with some fresh coffee and chocolate chip pancakes on the griddle! Then enjoy this gorgeous sunny day and all the new flowers I planted yesterday!
Much love to all of you and thank you again so much for keeping me in your prayers, God IS listening and I believe he's right here helping every step of the way. xoxoxo LIVE WITH PASSION~DJ

I got my Chemo on!!! LOL

2011-06-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was AMAZING!!!!!!! Proof that with the right attitude you can make anything FUN!! As you know, I woke up singing," I'm too sexy for my pancreas" and went as far as to dress for a date! These are chemo dates for me and as much as I love my sweats and would have been more comfortable in them, I felt my first priority was looking good so whatever was about to happen, I'd still feel good. Personally for me, if I don't look good, it's a bit more challenging to feel good. A gal's gotta start somewhere and this Diva starts on the outside. OK, not really but work with me here. LOL I had on my cute sexy torn jeans, heels (of course), blank tank fitted tank with sheer print cheetah blouse over it and all the bling in all the right places! Still don't have that purple mani and pedi but working on that this morning. Given the potential nail issues ahead of me, I cut my nails down this morning, it's never fun when I have to bring out the big guns (clippers). I'm a file gal not a cutter gal. It's even worse with my hair (ask Mandy, but again I digress) LOL
MamaLou packed my Dad and I great healthy lunch, well OK she snuck some cookies in there but remember this was a FUN date and what's a fun lunch without cookies?? My only glitch heading out the door was I couldn't put any perfume on. No fragrances or strong odors allowed in the cancer ward. What is weird is this floor smells so bad like body odor and so I'm thinking the patients are taking it too for and not wearing any antiperspirant GEEZ, itLOL really does smell bad, I'm not exaggerating. LOL See what I have to look forward too? a gosh darn sensitive nose. LOL
Tim met us for the early part of our date which was chemo 101 training for rookies LOL Janice taught us everything we needed to know but were afraid to ask. Needless to say it was primarily about all the side affects potentially ahead of me, news that I have a about a month and half before I'm bald, and all the new prescriptions I get to take........UGH! I have officially turned into that person that I never wanted to date (you know the one with a medicine cabinet full of prescriptions for every ailment possible) LOL It was also weird to be told I need to know where my nearest ER is where ever I go.......EWWW! I'm 48 and that made me feel like 84 LOL Sadly, that training was overwhelming for Tim. I'm still in denial and believe I'll breeze through this with minimal side affects and work my normal routine missing a few days here and there for chemo but other than that, I'm going to fight this thing and chemo like a rock star!! Tim was just overwhelmed with all the negative side affects, really the only positive thing said in that hour was "you won't have to shave". LOL (referring to me, not Tim of course) I'm even going to be hyper sensitive to the sun and have to wear a very high sun block, OK, I'm a sun goddess are you kidding me? UGH! but, sunscreen and a big sexy hat it is then. LOL
My vitals were great (blood pressure meds are working obviously) and my blood work came back very good so we had a green light to launch into happy hour! My first cocktail of the day was Taxatene which came with some risk of pain and red streaks up my arm the following day so Linh (my nurse who is gorgeous and funny in the absurd way that I am so we were just two peas in a pod~she even dropped the F bomb once LOL) put a heating pad over the port on my arm to prevent all that. And it worked! No red stripes today! In fact, I didn't even feel the needle go in when she put the port in place!! When I say we had a perfect date yesterday, I mean not a single glitch. My 2nd cocktail came after a rinse of #1, Gemcitobine and I had no issues with that one either! We were at the hospital from 10-4 and it went by very quickly and both my Dad and I had fun! Tanner called and talked to me for awhile was I was there and it's always nice to hear my sons voices. I'm fighting this fight more for them than for me.
So, onto my amazing and unexpected visitors for happy hour. Shannon Turner stopped by early on and introduced herself as my patient navigator with the American Cancer Society and she was just a sweetheart! Gave me lots of resources to help me along this journey but I have to say my favorite was Gina Ritchie my social worker with Virgina Mason. She was a darling! Although, she said one thing that made me sad, and that was "I have one other patient with a positive attitude like you" and I thought to myself ONLY ONE?????? YIKES!!!!!!!! So, I need to be spreading the joy when I'm there and hopefully help some others along the way. The more the merrier, right?? Let's turn those frowns upside down!! LOL I had two choices, jump in my sweats and bring the stress with me or dress the hell up and have a good time. This is a weekly commitment and a 4-6 hour timeblock out of my day when I'm there, why waste it feeling bad when I can take that opportunity to make others laugh, and I can learn a thing or two along the way. Gina was amazing, touching on my fears of hair loss, skin changes, basically all my vanity issues and it was nice to just throw it out there say, hey, I'm freaked out about losing my eyelashes not my hair, although I know the day I have to shave will be extremely emotional for me and I don't think I'd be healthy if I didn't cry. The ONLY person I let touch my hair is Mandy at MeMeandCompany so will grab a few girlfriends and make a date of that as well and bring my new sexy big haired wig (watch out as I'm probably going to bring the 80's back) You know my motto, go big or go home! LOL Something I thought was interesting is there are hair banks (not real hair wigs, fake hair) (yes you read that right) so I can go and get two free wigs at a hair bank LOL Not holding my breath on the condition or how sexy the wigs are but might be fun to have a couple different looks and then I will invest in my favorite wig made with real hair. They also have this Good Wishes foundation "a gift from L. Brickson USA~ www.francelux.com and I get a GORGEOUS silk head scarf from them. I can hardly wait as I have a cheetah print one picked out! LOL I know you are not surprised..........trust me, I'm a diva all the way down to this damn tumor and I'll be damned if I'll let cancer take that away from me. LOL I am going to schedule a meeting with Janet Bowman, my appearance consultant for a one on one consult during my next chemo date so that will be fun to get help from her. I'm also going to to look into naturopathic physicians specializing in oncology (Gina gave me a list of them~just need to see if Group Health will cover it)
I didn't have any allergic reaction, no pain, and quite honestly had a blast and I attribute all that to my attitude and spirit and all the prayers you give me every day, my family, my friends and God's gift of life which I'm not going to sit back and waste feeling sorry for myself. I've not once asked "Why me" and that's only because if every time something bad happens to you in your life and you ask yourself that, then it only fair that you ask that same question when something good happens to you. Think about it, and you'll know I'm right so when life throws you a curve ball, just HIT IT! the best you can and don't let it take you down. Somebody somewhere said something like it's not about the hits we take, it's how you get up from them that defines you. My life has not been easy, I have had my fair share of "junk" but I'm no different than you. I've never met anyone that had the perfect leave it to Beaver life and just had everything come easy. I surround myself with positive people that I can learn and grow from and with. The negative ones, well, let's just say I did that house cleaning back in my divorce in 1996. You can do more good for more people by sharing the light within you. We ALL have it, God was not picky about who he gave it too, just some choose not to let it out. It's easier to feel bad and make fun of others. I get that, but the joy comes from quite the opposite. Imagine the world if we all just glowed a little more. I can't even read the news, watch the news because of all the negativity it focuses on. I have to channel my energy forward and to the good. This journey is hard, one of the hardest ones I will ever endure, but the amount of good coming out it FAR exceeds the pain, the fear, the sadness, and all the negative things on it. I am taking this journey for my family and my friends. I can carry this and would rather this be on me than any of you. I see how hard and emotional this is for those that love me, and it brings me to tears to see you all hurting and see your fear. Trust me, I'm not going anywhere! I PROMISE as God as my witness, there is NOTHING ahead of me that will stop me from beating this no matter how long it takes. I know I will write a book or two at the end of this, and become a major advocate for pancreas cancer awareness and help all those after me, and even with me now, beat this horrible disease. Enough cancer already! I lost two of the most beautiful women in the world, my mother (59) and my paternal grandmother when I was only 2. No more and that includes me!!
I can tell you this, you love more with cancer, you feel more with cancer, and if I believe if you don't play the victim, you can do more with cancer. Now, don't get me wrong, I will play the cancer card from time to time to get want I want (I am still Dawn LOL) for example when I go to buy my new big sexy hair, I will ask the cashier for the cancer discount. LOL THAT my friend, is the cancer card. LOL Or, can we get a table by the window, I have cancer and the light helps me when I'm eating LOL
On a final note, Valerie and I are going to plan a big big big fundraiser at the end of summer. I want this to be a BIG celebration of all that I have learned thus far, and bring all of you together with me and toast all that is good! It will be a big place where we can accommodate all my friends and family, we'll have wine tasting, entertainment (hopefully karaoke), amazing food, and with enough support a silent auction of some nice things for you to take advantage of, and overall just a super fun evening to say farewell to summer. All the proceeds will go into the donation account to help with my medical bills (which alarmingly I found out Virginia Mason only gives you 3 months to pay) UGH!!!!! I want to personally greet each person at the door and give them a purple wristband and a hug from me to say thank you for your love, prayers and support. It's true, this cancer is not only bringing out the best in me, it's bringing out the best in you and everyone around me. This must be what a miracle feels and looks like! I love you! ~ LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

I'm too sexy for my pancreas....

2011-06-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

LOL, I started singing that song, "I'm too sexy for my...." last night when we came out of the grocery store. I'm not so sure Tim thought it was as funny as I did. What made me think of it? Funny you should ask...
I couldn't help but notice the abundance of pink ribbons and pink products on the shelves all increasing the awareness and supporting breast cancer. I'm not saying that's a bad thing! I just couldn't help but wonder why all the pink and no purple? What's wrong with pancreas cancer, why can't it get more attention? and then it hit me. IT'S NOT SEXY! Breasts are sexy, girls think they're sexy, guys think they're sexy so of course nobody wants them to be sick. LOL Geez, when I was told I had pancreas cancer I didn't even know what the pancreas did! I actually had to google it. LOL We women are are a powerful breed (OK, gender, whatever) and when we wrap our arms around a concept, WE WRAP OUR ARMS AROUND A CONCEPT, hence you can't go hardly anywhere and NOT see a pink ribbon. Well, someday when I grow up, there will be purple ribbons too! LOL Probably not, because it's not sexy. The pancreas is just an ugly pesky organ, no matter how you slice it and dice it. HOWEVER, I want mine healthy and to me, it's sexy now! LOL So you see, I'm too sexy for my pancreas!
TODAY IS MY FIRST CHEMO COCKTAIL, my happy hour will begin shortly after 1PM. I'm a rookie in training so have some learnin' to do first. I'm excited, got my Dad by my side, and Lou made us lunch and some snacks. I need to find out what I can bring into the room.........I think I need to find a "happy" paining or print of some kind because those rooms are pathetically drabby! I think that will be my first order of business once I beat this thing to see if I can find someone to donate their time and talent to maybe paint a mural in each room. There is no need for them to be so drabby! They should be homey with a touch of whimsical to make you smile! I know, I'm crazy, if I really had my way they'd have bling in there too! LOL At a minimum, I think they should have a motivation phrase written on a wall in each room, something that makes you ponder and uplifts you. A different one in each room! How hard could that be to do??
I tell you what I think is creepy, seeing other patients in the waiting area that you know also have cancer (why else would you be in the in the chemo area?). For some reason, I see them all as very sick and I feel bad for them, but I don't see me like I see them.........weird huh? Wonder if that will change as I progress on this journey??
Well, I better jump in my sexy shower and get ready for my date with Dad and my first chemo happy hour! I'll ask for mine shaken, not stirred LOL LOL LIVE WITH PASSION ~ DJ

SAVE THE DATE! ~ July 8th

2011-06-02T11:13:00.000-07:00

We chicks have July 8th reserved as a girls get together at Val's house in Browns Point for some Booze and BLING. Terrie has kindly donated her time and profits to my cause and I just know we'll all have a wonderful time! More details to follow on our facebook group page. Honestly, I don't know about the booze part, I just made that up LOL but am sure we'll have some wine and munchies!! I'm really excited and looking forward to seeing everyone, and the weather should be wonderful under their new outdoor living room!! I can't have any alcohol on this journey but a virgin margarita might do me some good. LOL
Surrendering into the pain in my mouth and going to the dentist today. UGH! If you know me, you know that's one of my phobias but Janice and the team there make it as pleasant as possible. I really think it's my sinus's though, not teeth. Dad even thought it might be stress. It all started after I started taking sleeping pills so I didn't take them last night and don't have the pain today??? Hmm, connection? coincidence? inquiring minds want to know.
I am really anxious for my first chemo treatment tomorrow (you know, so that I know exactly what to expect on all the future ones). I'm going to bake cookies tonight (my favorite, chocolate chip) and put together a little snack pack to go with my books and laptop. I'll have my Dad with me and Tim will meet us there at some point too. I am drinking LOTS of water today to hydrate my veins and get them all ready for their big day tomorrow. LOL Dad and I have lots of Dad/Daughter dates ahead that I just know we will treasure forever. My Dad has not lived near me most of my life and we have maintained a roller coaster relationship across the miles for years. Since Mom died though, we have been closer than ever and he's really been a wonderful Dad to me. My mother was amazing so I know he's doing his best to fill that void in my life (a part of me died with her-it changes you forever). Most of us take our parents for granted when they live so close by, so Tim and I both are going to savor Dad and MamaLou residing 6 miles up the road from us. This journey is not as scary having them so close by. Plus they are a hoot to be around and entertain with!
Sun Sun Sun is on it's way this weekend! We are planning to get the yard in shape, flowers planted, get some patio furniture and get our outdoor game on!! (fingers crossed)
I still have this dang big ol' bump on my belly. Looks like I swallowed a walnut and it got stuck right above my belly button. LOL I'd certainly be a good candidate for the next Alien movie! LOL
I sure hope those 100 purple wristbands are waiting for me on our front porch when I get home today.........they just can't get here quick enough. Did I mention I don't have any patience?? Speaking of purple....time for some purple nails and toes! OH YEA ~ I'm getting my purple on!! LIVE WITH PASSION ~ DJ

29 Days...

2011-06-01T16:29:00.000-07:00

29 days from diagnosis to day 1 of treatment! I am thrilled to have made some progress this morning (without my parents having to march down there and raise the roof) LOL so I have my first chemo scheduled for this Friday. We'll have an hour of training, then they'll let me have my private room, draw blood and wait for the results, and then my chemo should start at about 1:20pm. YEA! I can't get over how excited I am to get going on this. This just might be a Kodak moment! LOL I already know my first question for the nurse training me, "Is there going to be a test on this?"
Shari my counterpart at work brought me a big bunch of purple bearded Iris's from her garden, they are just stunning!! and almost as tall as me. LOL
I came home from work today to a couple surprises (no, the purple wristbands are not here yet) but my girlfriend Terrie sent me a beautiful pair of Crystal hoop earrings from her line of jewelry www.touchstonecrystal.com/terrieowens and we're planning a BLINGY fundraiser and girls night at Val's house in July!! How fun!! I have not seen Terrie, well............in at least 25 lbs ago. LOL Amanda's (Tanner's girlfriend) Mom, Jolene sent me a beautiful little Willow angel that I now have sitting on our mantle. She sits among the cards and I can't help but fill up with joy when I am reminded of so much support and love. I have got to be the luckiest cancer diva on the planet! BTW, I created a special group on facebook (Cancer Diva) so if you would like to be in the group, just contact me on facebook or you can probably join yourself, I didn't put any restrictions on it.
Valerie has ordered a TON of Brown Bear car wash tickets too so please email her ValerieACarey@msn.com if you'd like to buy some (they are $5 each) otherwise she'll have two to three lifetime supplies of car washes for herself. LOL or her family won't have to wonder what they're each getting for Christmas. LOL
I feel good today both emotionally and physically.....other than some new tooth pain that surfaced a couple days ago. I just can't catch a medical break to save my life. LOL
If I could tell you one thing you should do right now that I have really learned in the past 27 days, it's this:
DON'T WAIT! Open up your heart and world right now to all the friends and family you have. It's just too easy to get distracted by life and focus on careers, finances, possessions, etc and lose sight of the fact that by being so busy, you are shutting people out. Don't have any of your friends and family at arms length. Pull them in now and you will be sooooooo much happier and your summer will probably be one of the best ones you've ever had.......I dare you right now to pick up the phone and call someone, a friend that you consider close yet have probably not seen in months. Why wait for a traumatic event to make them a priority, make the call and make plans to get together SOON. and then REPEAT! I love you!! LIVE WITH PASSION ~ DJ

Salt Mine PART II

2011-05-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

Darn it if I didn't get home from work today and still not have heard back from Dr. Picozzi's office (Judy specifically~the chemo scheduler). I know she gets off at 4:30 so I called at 4:15 and left her another voicemail. Well, by 5 I knew I was not going to make any headway securing my first chemo today. As MamaLou would say, "they just licked the red right off my sucker". That's kind of a redneck way of saying they took the wind out of my sails. LOL You just can't help but laugh at all my parents funnies. Well, tears set in so I called my Dad and explained that I just felt like maybe his office is too busy to treat me on this journey if he didn't even have time to put any notes in my file or any work orders in for chemo or whatever oncologists do to get this ball rolling??? I honestly can't think of anything worse than this waiting game. When God was giving out patience, he obviously ran out when he got to me and my family.........Needless to say, I'm calling Dr. Picozzi first thing in the morning and leaving a message for him to call me ASAP. If I have not heard from him, or Judy by 10am, my parents will be down there at the hospital and they'll have two rednecks in their lobby saying, "HEY, YOU MADE OUR DAUGHTER CRY!" I feel so much better knowing either way, by my phone call or their personal appearance, we'll have an explanation why we're ready to take off and they haven't even layed the track yet. Chemo! Ready or Not, here I come!! LOL I'm tired and am worried this big knot above my belly button won't go away. I keep rubbing it as though it's going to bring me good fortune. LOL Tara, does it ever go away and if so how long does it take?
At Valerie's request, I sent an email out to my entire database today and that started a new string of support and prayers. I'm so grateful to have met the most amazing people along this thing we call life. I believe not only in the power of prayer, but that every miracle started out as prayers. Val's asked me to start a fan page or group on facebook so she can post SOS calls and things about fundraisers and get togethers.........think I should do a fan page or group? I'm not sure what the difference is between the two. LOL I'll sleep on it and am sure I will have made an executive decision by morning. I have to do a very big THANK YOU to my dear Alice in the office. She's been so supportive since she got my news and even brought me a bouquet of flowers that I have sitting on my desk......they are so bright and cheery (not cherry, that's what I almost typed) Obviously, I need to go to bed. NIGHT NIGHT and you know, you can sleep with passion too! ~DJ

Back to the Salt Mines.....LOL

2011-05-31T13:47:00.000-07:00

It felt soooooooooooo good to wake up this morning and know I get to go to work!! The sun may not be shining on the outside but it sure is on the inside. I miss the agents here and it was so sweet to be greeted with hugs and smiles. My office ROCKS!! I was praying for no traffic so I could get here early and jump on my laptop and start pulling up all the new listings and broker's opens for the day and get them out to the agents. Funny, how something so a part of my daily routine now feels like a treat, a real real privilege.
There is no doubt having cancer changes you. How you feel, how you think and eventually how you look (oh yea! Bald is beautiful, right?~Hoping if I keep telling myself that enough I will start to believe it LOL) However, it doesn't have to change my hopes and dreams. Like a dear friend from high school said on facebook to me, "You have cancer, cancer does not have you". Ain't THAT the truth!
I am not so far out there in "Mambi Pambi Land" (as Tim puts it) that I don't know I'll have some bad days but I imagine this is like losing one of your senses, such as eyesight, then all the other senses go into magnified high gear. I feel like my soul has stretched itself to a level I only dreamed but never felt. Maybe it has something to do with opening my mind and heart to allow others to help me, I don't know. I just know I have never felt so much gratitude for the even the smallest of tiny things like walking into the garage and seeing my car backed in so I could easily pull out of it (Tim obviously did this in the middle of night while I was sleeping) LOVE THIS MAN!! I almost cried, I mean I actually had to hold back my tears of gratitude. Even my breakfast lean pocket tasted like heaven to me (perhaps in anticipation of chemo killing not only the cells in my body but my taste buds too)?...........I am a better person with cancer, than I was before. I can already honestly say that, and it's only been 26 days, but who's counting? LOL
I was so anxious about this morning and having to call Group Health and chase down the authorization for my referral, I put that phone call off as long as I could. The gal answered the phone and she saw the request for it in the system and put me on hold to see if she could get it authorized for me while I sat on hold.........and low and behold, SHE DID IT! Is there such a thing as a phone hug? If there is I gave her a big one!! LOL Then I called Dr. Picozzi's office to schedule my chemo. Unfortunately, Group Health is moving faster than he is, nothing in my file indicating that he even met with me last week, just the nurse, so waiting for the scheduler to talk with him and call me back so I can set up my appointment which by the way she talked will most likely NOT be this Thursday. UGH :( It's never fun when you find out the world does not evolve around you, I don't care who you are. LOL So as of right now, I'm waiting for the call back so we can get this dog and pony started! LIVE WITH PASSION ~DJ

Memorial Day

2011-05-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

With today being Memorial Day, obviously I'm overwhelmed with thoughts of my mother and her short battle with cancer. I miss her so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her, I keep pictures of her everywhere as most of you already know. LOL As much as I want her here with me, especially now, I'm glad she's not. I don't think she would be able to cope watching me fight this battle. I pray she's in a beautiful place in heaven where there is no pain (emotionally or physically).
Tim and I enjoyed a fun day making it rain at the casino with my parents. MamaLou is a lean mean slot machine queen. LOL I can hardly wait to take the boys up there over 4th of July. You have not lived until you've seen Tim, Ryan and Tanner sitting at the same blackjack table LOL Of course, seeing those three together doing anything is blessing for me. Like me, my Dad doesn't gamble. However, I will gamble if it's someone else's money. LOL
Tonight we're having my parents over for a BBQ dinner and just laying low so I can continue to rest. I'm excited to go back to work tomorrow and get back into my routine so I can enjoy a distraction from cancer. Last night out of no where I just lost it, I just got scared and started crying harder than I have since I've received the news. I sat in Tim's arms and he just let me cry, harder and harder until I couldn't even speak. I think sometimes I get spooked by the odds and how they are not stacked in my favor. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed and feel better this morning..............plan to run to Fred Meyer and get some flowers today. Val mentioned me having flowers in the hard so when I'm resting outside I can have a colorful surrounding, and she's right. I LOVE flowers, all different colors!! The more the brighter and the better! I think I'm going to actually take one of my terra cotta pots and just plant nothing but purple in it and that will be my "I'm kicking cancer" planter. Then I'm going to do another one for Mom in her memory~ was going to look up and see what color uterus cancer is and then plant hers in that color and one for my grandmother Polka (stomach cancer). I love you all so much and hope to see you soon. LIVE WITH PASSION~ DJ

Day of Rest...

2011-05-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful for an amazing day yesterday (even the sunshine came out of my pocket!). After my lashes (which by the way devastating news, my Frannie is moving to Utah) so hopefully the new gal can fill her lash shoes. LOL I got to visit with Alicia and LeAnn and am so excited they are planning a BUNKO fundraiser at Twin Lakes Golf and Country club on my behalf ~HOW FUN WILL THAT BE?~ Then I got to relax in the sun with sis (Cheryl) and Chris and even see Ian and Erica and their two boys. Really was so wonderful getting to see them all!! Then off to Valerie and Jim's where I also got to see more of their family and one of dearest friends Sandy who gets prettier every time I see her. How she do that? LOL Then I had to rush home to beat Bill and Jackie to my house for dinner, they brought over the most amazing ribs and I really loved catching up. Jackie and I date back to 1981 when I stood up in a classroom in college and said I needed a roommate and she popped out of her chair! LOL They are always such a kick to hang out with. I felt a stuffy nose coming on so was in bed by 9PM and a fever set in, UGH! So, am worried I'm coming down with a sinus infection. I did sleep in this morning so that was good! Tim and my Dad got to enjoy the amazing Mariner/Yankee game together and had a great time last night too!! Thank you so much for dinner Bill and Jackie. My stomach is feeling better each day, the bloating goes down a little and my muscles are starting to work again, YEA! I'm going to take it easy today and rest as much as I can. We are planning to meet my parents and nephew at Snoqualamie Casino and see if we can make it rain there LOL (that's what my sons' call it when you win money gambling) LOL It's really weird, I remember years ago talking to Carmen about us getting to that age when our friends are going to start getting sick and here I am, the first one. I am trying to negotiate with God that since he gave me such a big one that by surviving this, he can't get any of my peeps sick! The rest get to die of old age!! Valerie was really able to get me out of my own shoes yesterday and into hers and made me realize how important it is for me to let the people that love me, help me in whatever way that want and can. I'm not used to receiving and hate asking for help (as she knows) and it brought tears to my eyes to even think about one of you getting cancer. I know I'm not alone on that journey and for that I'm so grateful! I can't begin to tell how how big your kind words of support put such a big ripple in my day making it brighter and happier. I obviously have the most amazing friends AND boyfriend (Tim) as I think most boyfriends would have kick to me to curb by now with this much baggage LOL but Tim is not letting go of my hand and I love him more than ever and am thankful this is bringing us even closer together. I can feel all my relationships getting stronger, what a blessing that is!! It's emotional seeing my closest girlfriends hurting for me but I'm glad I'm the one God chose, and not them. I didn't grow up with any sisters so God gave me the most amazing girlfriends that have got me through the highs and lows in my lifetime. My brother and I are best friends across the miles but God even gave me a handful of guy friends that are also like big brothers to me (Ed and Larry~thank you!!) From where I sit, you can't help but see all the good and beautiful things on this journey, the tumor is just a tumor, everything else is a miracle and gift from God. I love you all so much!! and thank you for taking time out of your busy life, and time away from the struggles you are going through to support me on mine. LIVE WITH PASSION~DJ

A fun day ahead!...

2011-05-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

I'm excited for today because it starts out getting eye lashes, lash day is always fun because I get to see my girl Frannie @ MeMeandCompany! Then having coffee with my peep LeAnn and hopefully can take a cruise through that wig shop in Federal Way and get a feel for what's out there and how much they cost. Then popping over to see Chris & Cheryl, then Val and home to relax for the evening. Bill and Jackie are bringing me dinner while Tim's at the game with my Dad. Not sure I'll make it through all that since my pain tends to set in around 3ish but that's my plan! Also going to swing by and fill the flyer box on my listing in Browns Point www.DawnJump.com/191105 which hopefully will have a buyer SOON! I ordered a bunch of information and stuff from that http://www.pancan.org/ including 100 purple wristbands!! LOL They should be in next week so if you want one, we can hook up or if I need to mail you one, just shoot me your address at Tuttles2@hotmail.com Valerie is up and running on the Brown Bear car wash tickets already (they are $5 each) which is half the price if you just go in there so please email ValerieACarey@msn.com and let her know if you'd like to order any and/or help her sell some. She also has a donation account set up at Keybank so you can go into ANY keybank and make a donation payable to Dawn Jump Donation Account. She is managing that account for me. THANK YOU VAL! I did get confirmation from Dr. Byrne yesterday that he put in the request with Group Health for my oncology care to be referred out to Dr. Picozzi at Virginia Mason and he put a rush on it, so hoping that is all processed by Tuesday so I can secure my first treatment on Thursday. I couldn't get a treatment any sooner anyway, because you can't have chemo until after a week from surgery. Good thing so I can mentally prepare for it. I'm sure my Dad will take me to every appointment, and Tim will probably come later after he's done with work but as soon as I have my time slots secured, you are welcome to pop by for a visit if you like (warning though you will probably have to pay for parking). I can only have one person in the room with me at a time though so if too many of you want to come, I'll make a sign up time sheet like I do for work LOL I am so grateful that so many of you want to wear the purple wristband for me! It's such a huge blessing to be so loved. You all have been wonderful and thank you so much for your love and support! ENJOY your Saturday and let's hope for a sunny afternoon! LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ
Meet my Oncologist, Dr. Picozzi

Specialties
Hematology/Oncology, Medical Oncology, Cancer, Gastrointestinal Cancer, Pancreatic & Biliary Tract Disease

Clinic, Maps and Directions
Virginia Mason Seattle Main Campus

Education
MD, Stanford University School of Medicine, Calif., 1978; MS, Health Administration, Tulane University, New Orleans, 1999

Residency
Internal Medicine, Harvard University, Brigham and Women's Hospital, Boston, 1981

Internship
Internal Medicine, Harvard University, Brigham and Women's Hospital, Boston, 1979

Fellowships
Hematology, Stanford University, Calif., 1984; Oncology, Stanford University, Calif., 1984

Board Certifications
American Board of Internal Medicine, Subspecialty in Hematology, Subspecialty in Medical Oncology

Professional Activities and Awards
President-elect, Washington State Medical Oncology Society; Member, Clinical Practice Committee for the American Society of Hematology; Former Faculty, Stanford Medical School; Former Section Head, Hematology and Oncology at Virginia Mason
Voted one of Seattle's Top Doctors by Seattle Met in 2009 and by Seattle magazine in 2009 and 2010.

Special Interest(s)
Pancreatic Cancer, gastrointestinal cancer (pancreaticobiliary), genitourinary cancer, hematologic oncology (lymphomas), myelodysplasia

Joined VM
1985

On Patients
"Patient care requires the utmost in both scientific expertise and humanistic understanding."

On Specialty
"I think of no greater way to serve humanity than to assist in the care of a cancer patient."

On Virginia Mason
"At Virginia Mason, patient care is regarded as our most important activity."

Happy Friday Everyone!

2011-05-27T07:19:00.000-07:00

Before I get rolling on this one, I want to wish you all a really wonderful 3-day weekend! We don't have much on our agenda since I'm still healing from surgery. Tim has tickets to the Mariner/Yankee game on Saturday night but I don't think I'm feeling up to sitting up that long so he's taking my Dad. I think it will be neat for my Dad to see how we do baseball here in Seattle and enjoy that beautiful stadium of ours (praying for some sunshine!). My dear parents are so cold up here (it's in the 90s down south already) LOL
Some of you have asked for our address (15628 158th AVE SE Renton, WA 98058) is our new home, which I just LOVE!! Honestly, I don't think the timing of this move could have been any better. I remember having to break away in the middle of the move to go get an ultra sound LOL
You know, another good news I forgot to mention is Dr. Picozzi has taken me off the Dukan diet. He insists that I need my weight on to endure chemotherapy. He likes his patients full figured LOL He's funny, so we're off Dukan and now going to maintain a low fat (the pancreas hates fat so he wants to me avoid fatty foods) and will stay on a high protein diet though and NO alcohol at all but I'm not a big drinker so will be fine with that.
I've been thinking about your hair comment and I think that's the right thing to do so I'll consult with Mandy at MeMeandCompany.com and let her give me a new short hair style and she can donate the hair to a charity. If any of you see some cute haircuts email them to me "tuttles2@hotmail.com Most of you know what a hair addict I am so this won't be easy, but I think it will bring me peace in helping someone else along this journey. Maybe Mandy can even do an event at the salon and others can come in and donate their long hair too. I will look into that!! THANK YOU FOR THE IDEA!! You all are so wonderful, I am the luckiest gal in the world. I even got this amazing text from my boss, Don last night "We all love and admire you" at the end of it. It just makes you want to work harder and help the agents even more when you have people like that supporting you. Our office is AMAZING! It really is a privilege to be a part of West Seattle Prudential Northwest Realty. I'm looking forward to getting back to work on Tuesday and preparing for our big summer festival in July and building up my inventory of houses for a long hot summer and a record breaking year for me!! I will let you all know when the purple bracelets get here and you can either stop by and get one, or I can mail you one (whichever is easier for you) and I appreciate you wearing this on my behalf. In fact, I think I will even mail one to all my past clients and share my blog with them too! Did you know pancreas cancer is the #4 killer?? I think it's an understatement to say I'm going to learn a lot on this journey, and I hope all of you will too. I already feel it rekindling past friendships so I'm focusing on all the good that is coming out of this journey. God put me here for a reason and I know it's a positive one!! I'm so excited for my 30 year high school reunion so I can hug all these incredible peeps from my past. I can only have one person in my chemo room with me at a time, and I although I can't imagine anyone wanting to sit around a hospital in a room like that for 4 hours, my Dad will be there and I think if any of you want to stop by if your downtown at that time, he could have a break and we could visit and help pass the time. Val is even looking into raising miles where people can donate miles so I can fly my sons up here more often and when my parents have to fly back to Alabama and check on their home there they can use the miles. She's already rolling on the Brown Bear car wash tickets fundraiser too. I'm so lucky to have the most amazing friends! ENJOY your weekend and thank you for reading and commenting!! xoxoxox LIVE WITH PASSION!~DJ aka the Cancer Diva LOL

the aftermath of my first oncology date

2011-05-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

I am not sure I can put into words how I'm feeling at this moment in time. We learned so much today from Dr. Picozzi that I'm just not sure where to start.
My cancer is in Stage3a, but he says that doesn't matter. Being treated for pancreas cancer at VM (especially since mine is so rare) is the best place in the world to be treated! We all love Dr. Picozzi!! and it's a good thing because he has me scheduled for 6 months of chemotherapy. THEN, hopefully the tumor will have moved and/or be small enough to operate and remove. My chemo will start next week (we just have to wait for group health's approval). Good news is there were no cancer cells in the wash indicating the cancer has not spread. Dr. Picozzi said that is still no guarantee as cancer can spread and be undetectable. It was like with every good news, we got bad news so we all left I think not knowing exactly how to feel..........confused?? but happy yet sad.....LOL I will go in for treatment once a week (2 weeks on then 1 week off) and this will go on for 9 weeks, then they will do another catscan to see if it is working, then back on the program again for 9 weeks, repeat, etc. for 6 months. So, this journey is going to last longer than I had expected...DARN IT! and I will lose my hair.......LOL (OK, wig shopping here I come) but there is no way to tell if I will be very sick or not, as chemo affects everyone differently. I'm young though, 15 years younger than the average pancreas cancer patient. Did you know pancreas cancer is the worse cancer to get? It is the most aggressive and used to be a death sentence, but Dr. Picozzi has helped revolutionize how they treat it......his survivor rates are much much higher than the national average!! OH YEA, WHO'S YOUR DR.?? LOL He gave us all these really cool purple pancreas cancer awareness bracelets so I am going to go online http://www.pancan.org/ and order a bunch more so any of you that would like to wear one, I will give you one. I am not going to lie, I am very scared but I find so much peace in the support that you all give me. It's hard to explain but please know every time you write or send a card, or call, or text......it brings joy and faith to me on this journey. I love you all so much and I plan to schedule my chemo treatments on Thursday (each treatment takes 4 hours) that was depressing news but I think keeping them to the afternoon will hopefully allow me to work more hours. I can even work from my laptop while getting chemo! They let you bring your own food and drinks..........they have a tv in the room so hope I can make a positve expereince out of my time there. My Dad and MamaLou and Tim are right here by my side every step of the way. I am so thankful for them, not sure I could make it without them being so close. I love you all.......and thank you for continued support. LIVE WITH PASSION ~ DJ

We need your help

2011-05-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

One of my dearest friends, Valerie is trying to set up a fundraiser for me(selling $5 Brown Bear carwash tickets) and is trying to find a co-sponsor so she can use their 501C3 tax number. Unfortunately, Prudential doesn't have one, so if you have a charity or church you are associated with and can help her, we would appreciate it. You can contact her directly if you'd like to help her at ValerieACarey@msn.com My biggest fear is not losing the battle with cancer, it's losing my job and not being able to work for an extended period of time due to the chemo and Whipple surgery. Val (bless her heart) is trying to ease that burden so I can pay the medical bills and living expenses and not have to worry about the financial impact this is going to have on Tim and I. She's even come up with a great charity name "Cancer Diva" LOL I know this is a lot to ask, and no worries if you don't have the connection. I just thought someone out there might have what she needs since I don't. My oncology appointment is at 4PM today so will write what we find out later tonight! LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Thinking out loud...

2011-05-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

This morning, shortly after posting on my blog I had a set back. After brushing my teeth, I went to lay back down in bed and had some sharp attack under my right rib cage that was cutting off my ability to breathe. I was gasping for air and trying to call out for Tim at the same time. Finally, I called my Dad and MamaLou answered and they came right over. After about 20 minutes of this attack things settled down, but I've been off all day long. Unusually stronger pain on my right side and into my shoulder blade. We did call the Dr. and spoke with one of his assistants and they welcomed me into to run some exrays to look for blood clots, but I declined assuming it was a one time muscle spasm of some sort. They have called me twice today to check on me which has been great. Today's pain is worse than yesterday, imagine if you did 10,000 sit ups last night how you would feel this morning......well, that's the best way to describe my pain right now, just not mobile and comfortable. My parents cleaned the house so that was incredibly thoughtful!!
I also had my best friend from Jr. High (Angela) stop by whom I've not seen in many many years. She brought me a hydrangea which I plan to plant in a pot so I can keep it with me always to remember this moment (and some sugar free hard candy which I know will come in handy). I can't even begin to explain how deeply touched I am by some of the emails, posts, and cards.......especially from those friends from my childhood! I'm telling you, you never realize how much love there is surrounding your life until a tragedy such as this comes into play. I realize the only way I can get though this chemo and radiation is through seeing myself through your eyes. I don't know where the strength is going to come from to overcome being sick for so long. I think I'll keep a picture of Ryan and Tanner in my bathroom. LOL
Tara, I'm looking forward to Girls Chemo Day! I'm guessing that's what you have plotting in that mind of yours. LOL M'Lee your facebook message moved me to tears, and Linda your quote was so beautiful! Thank you just does not seem like big enough words to express my gratitude. Jim, you are always making me smile too. I really loved the "I have cancer but cancer doesn't have me". I might even make that into a plaque. LOL Pamela, thank you so much for calling and checking on Tim last night!! Your call moved him to tears!! I even got a card in the mail from some friends of my brother's in Alabama I've never met! THANK YOU! Now, tell me I don't have the most amazing dentist in the world! homhttp://www.radiantfamilydental.com/ Dr. Dan and his office are the best, if you need a dentist you MUST go there! I got a bouquet of flowers from him and his staff today!! Thank you Dr. Dan and you too Janice (one of my angels). You are all angels! LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

THANK YOU!!

2011-05-25T07:54:00.000-07:00

First and foremost I have to say THANK YOU for all your support and prayers! THE PRAYERS ARE WORKING! Yesterday went as well as it possibly could!!
I went into the operating room with a great attitude and made sure I heard everyone in there laughing before I went under. How could anything go wrong with everyone so happy, right?? It was even cute, Dr. Ryan said we were both lucky because of who the anesthesiologist was, she takes great care with her patients and to his benefit, she's beautiful!! Not sure I wanted the competition in the operating room but I feel in love with her the moment I met her. (I think he's got a secret crush on her) LOL
Now, when I woke up I was a train wreck! I was in pain and beyond emotional, all I could do was cry. The nurses were so sweet explaining that was a normal response but I looked around and didn't see anyone else crying?? LOL Apparently, the reality of all this is starting to settle in and become very real for me. Real pain and real emotions. Needless to say, I didn't feel very well the rest of the day. This surgery was much more involved than I had expected. I assumed a couple cameras going in couldn't hurt that bad. WRONG! My muscles are so sore like I had a c-section on top of my stomach.........What's up with that?? And I thought I was going to be ready for a 10 course meal but due to the nausea I could barely drink sips of water. Hmm, not much of a Dukan diet day, that's for sure. Thank you for the cards, phone calls, text messages, Tim and I are both overwhelmed with amazing support and I know it's all the prayers on my behalf that are having an impact on this journey. Dr. Ryan didn't see anything yesterday that indicated the cancer has spread, but won't know for sure until the biopsy comes back tomorrow. Dr. Picozzi (my oncologist) will have the results at our appointment tomorrow. I'm so grateful for all that I have that it's hard for me to pray for myself.....it seems selfish to ask for anything more than God has already given me, so I appreciate your prayers more than you possibly know!! I have been praying for Karen (one of Tim's friends that just had a tumor removed from her brain last week) and for Leyah in our office who is out on medical leave. They need the prayers just as much as I do. I want to have everyone over and give them a huge hug but know I'm such an emotional mess right now, I'm not good company. Please know I love you so much and feel as though I'm the luckiest person in the world to have you all in my corner. I told my Dad last night that I know once I'm done with this journey I will probably know a better place to support the fight against cancer than ACS. I really want to make a bigger ripple in helping and am sure this journey will teach me one. I know each of you is fighting your own battle in your life and the fact that you take time to care and pray for me, is amazing!! Hope I get to see you soon, and thank you too for helping Tim, this is hard on him but he's being so strong for me. I'm so blessed to have him love me so much as well as all of you. LIVE WITH PASSION~DJ

Today's the BIG Day!

2011-05-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

OMG I feel so awesome!!! I just weighed myself and I'm down 7 lbs!! OK, now I guess that cherry flavored laxative doesn't seem so bad.......That stuff flushes every ounce of crap in your body out of you all day long........Unbelievable how much our bodies store in our intestines. Today is a great day and I know surgery will go awesome and am so excited to get the news that my cancer is all contained within the tumor. I've got my medical power of attorney ready to go and just waiting for everyone to wake up so we can go! All I can think about is a meal, a big fat juicy meal! Although, it will be all protein, at this point, I'm happy with that! I think this Dukan thing is going to work well for me. Really makes me realize how much of a carb junkie I am! LOL I am so deeply touched by all the support of my friends on facebook and the office, it's just been so touching! I am soooooooo blessed beyond words! I just love everyone so much!!! Big Group Hug! LIVE WITH PASSION~DJ

Day Before Surgery

2011-05-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

I actually felt good when I woke up today, anxious to get back to work but after drinking that 12 oz. of cherry flavored salty laxative required, I feel HORRIBLE. I am not sure which end this is going to come flushing out though, UGH! LOL You're welcome for that visual LOL
Tim and I started at our diet together........so far so good although Tim didn't like my oat bran pancakes (not going to win any recipe contest with them but it was a good bread substitute or so I thought. LOL
My spirits are good and am sure surgery will go great tomorrow and I expect positive feedback when I wake up to learn that the cancer cells have NOT spread!! Pray extra hard tonight!! Thank you again everyone for your comments, suggestions and all your love! I have the most amazing friends!! LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Soggy Saturday

2011-05-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

..Somehow when the sunshine left, so did my energy. I ended up sleeping most of today. We had an incredible evening with my immediate family so I got to bed later than usual. I didn't feel good most of the day, woke up feeling bloated and pressure and it just progressively got worse as the day went on. Tonight I got a little emotional with Tim, in the back of my mind I'm scared. Scared that my treatment is so aggressive that it will make me sick and my biggest fear is not being able to work. Thursday just can't get here soon enough.........starting my list of questions for the oncologist so I don't forget to ask them while I'm there. I did some research and my oncologist Dr. Picozzi actually played a major role in this special VMP treatment for pancreas cancer so it just reassures me that I'm in the best care available! Tim and I start our diet tomorrow (goal is for me to drop 30 lbs. before surgery in a couple months). I really do want to make my Whipple surgery as easy as possible for Dr. Ryan since the location is challenging enough. Hope tomorrow is a pain free day!! Two more pain pills down and off to bed. LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

T.G.I.F.

2011-05-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

WOW~ Expected to break 70 degrees today! We're almost getting to sunscreen weather!! I slept well last night. Tim and I had dinner over at my parents house and when I say house, I mean 40' Motor Coach. It was fun, it was like camping yet watching American Idol on a flat screen at the same time (You go Lauren!). MaMa Lou (my step-mother) is always a great hostess, she made spaghetti and salad and we had couple good bottles of wine. YES ~ I drank! Life is too short not to drink good wine.
I'm super excited to see Tanner tonight! He and Amanda are coming over for a family BBQ and my nephew Jon will be joining us too! Just want Tanner to see I'm doing well and assure him he needs to stay focused on school. They leave to go back to Pullman for summer school in the morning. I'm dying to see the pics from their Jamaica trip!! Tim's picking up a table for our nook today so we'll have seating for 4 more now. Funny, we had 3 tables at the old house and none here??? LOL I received a card yesterday from Tim's brother and wife (THANK YOU) and added to my display on the mantel to keep reminding me how lucky I am to be loved so much!! I know I have not accepted that I might be getting very sick here shortly but believe my mind can overcome anything ~ even chemo!! Ryan still calling daily to check on me, it's so sweet. Please take a moment and really be grateful for your health! Without it, you really don't have much. LIVE WITH PASSION!

Another Beautiful Day!

2011-05-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

I feel GREAT today! I had another good night with little medication and feel wonderful today.......even drove into the office topless!! Tanner and I talked on the phone last night (he's still in Jamaica) but flying home today and I think just knowing he knows, has taken some weight off my shoulders.
I also had a great talk with our owner and he is of course very supportive. Still trying to figure out the best time to release this to the rest of office, so will put that off till next week.
It is soooooooo nice having my parents here to lean on. I love them so much and feel so blessed they are in a situation where they could come up here and help so all this back and forth to hospital won't fall on Tim since he has to work too. SOMEBODY HAS TO BRING HOME THE BACON! LOL I am really optimistic though and hope the chemo won't affect me too much so I can work through most of this journey. Bringing up the weights tonight and going to get back on a regular work out routine, need to shed some weight before surgery in 2 months (Dr's orders!) Tim and I plan to start the Dukan Diet this weekend!! SKINNY ME HERE I COME!!
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

I heart Dr. Ryan!

2011-05-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

First, I have to say I LOVE my surgeon (Dr. Ryan). He has a great bedside manner and promised to give me the best care and attention Virginia Mason has to offer. You should have heard the amazing letter he dictated to my family Dr. Byrne thanking him for catching this so early and getting me to Virginia Mason so quickly. IMPRESSIVE!!!!
Next step is the Laparoscopy surgery next Tuesday which will tell them if any of the cancer cells have spread followed by beginning my treatment plan with my oncologist next Thursday (could be in chemo as early as Friday). Most likely will have a couple months of chemo/radiation, then Whipple surgery to remove the tumor, with few more months of chemo. He told me to expect at least a six month journey. UGH
My parents are here so it's comforting and takes a lot of stress of Tim. I'll feel better after my owner knows and I have the opportunity to tell Tanner.
I've got some new pain meds and ambien to help me sleep so now I just need to accept this is a longer journey than I wanted. Obviously I have a 100 chemo questions so guess I have another week to those answers. Dr. said I need to work out, be strong, and fit as possible before surgery so hope to start a diet tomorrow with Tim. Always easier when you have a partner in crime!
LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Biopsy Results

2011-05-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

As suspected, biopsy confirms pancreas adenocarcinoma (tumor in my pancreas)..........soooooooooooo moving right along as planned and will meet surgeon tomorrow morning and find out what the game plan is from here and meet my Oncologist thursday the 26th.
Feeling much better today than yesterday, still tired but you can't possibly feel bad on a sunny day in Seattle! It's uncivilized!
Thank you all so much for the suggestions and I'm probably going to ask for a perscription of some sort to help me sleep at night. I know how important it is for my body to get rest so we can beat this thing and my crazy little mind just does not want to shut off. LOL Information overload I guess??
I think I did better not eating dinner so going to stick to that program!! I also think I'll just feel a lot better when I know what the program is, when we start, etc. Will tell Tanner and my owner on Thursday but keeping this completely out of the office for now so still no facebooking please! It's better that way, because when I come here nobody knows so it's a normal work day and I can get busy and forget I have cancer which is best for me!!
Watch me!! I'm kicking cancer's ass! LOL
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Rough Start to the week....

2011-05-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

I didn't get any sleep last night as I just couldn't get comfortable with the pain once it set in. Also noticed it's changing and more sharper now that it's ever been. I just have not got my get up and go today at all. Going to avoid dinner tonight to give my pancreas a break and see if that helps, and hit the sack early so maybe I can catch up on sleep and get some rest for a change.
Called Virginia Mason to let them know about the change in my symptoms and spent quite a bit of time with the nurse on the phone. She suggested being more proactive with the pain medication and sticking to a very bland nonfat diet and more importantly, drinking A LOT OF WATER which I haven't been doing lately. She's consulting with the Dr. that did my endoscopy on Friday and is going to call me back and let me know how to proceed. I told her I thought a lot of this is from physical and emotional anxiety and she explained my body is going through a really difficult time right now, and of course I'm feeling emotional and drained. It's nice to know this is normal, even though it's not normal for me. LOL
Off to a listing appointment at 3 in Federal Way!!
LIVE WITH PASSION
DJ

Vicoden is My Friend

2011-05-15T03:32:00.000-07:00

For someone who hates to take medicine, never thought I'd be so glad they made this one. LOL I'm anxious to learn how they're going to treat my pancreatitis while attacking the cancer since the pancreatitis is what's causing all this pain. Hoping I don't end up a drug addict at the end of this journey. LOL I rested most of today and let the recent news sink in. I think it's still so hard to believe, I was so convinced they'd be able to do surgery right away and just take this out. :( Excited to see my parents next week, and Ryan called me and is going to try and come up for Memorial weekend so having my family here at our new house will be just priceless! Really want to thank you all so much for your loving thoughts and prayers...and yes, I know about the pancreas symposium in Seattle next week. Not something I can attend, but thank you for letting me know about it. Tim and I are talking about having a BBQ pot luck here at the house so you all can visit and see our new crib before I get too sick (will wait and set the date after we meet with the Dr. on Wednesday and know the treatment plan). LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Endoscopy

2011-05-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a L O N G day, couldn't eat or drink anything all day long so was a Ms. GrumpyPants going in. LOL The gals in the operating room were awesome and fell inlove with my eyelashes so I had them jump on MeMeandCompany website and make sure they ask for Frannie...few of them want eyelashes just like mine! LOL Here's what I know, at least one of the blood markers came in indicating this IS cancer and one of the other tests confirmed pancreatitis. Bad news is the tumor is slightly attached to the artery so they are going to have to shrink it first before they can operate. Good news, it doesn't appear as though the cancer has spread. Just resting today (my throat and esophagus are killing me) and back to work tomorrow. Rest of the results from the ultra sound and biopsy will be in my next Tuesday. LIFE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

BIG DAY TODAY!

2011-05-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

Blogger went down yesterday so I'm behind but will get you caught up. I had a great consult yesterday with the PA on my team and Dr. Jiranek who's performing my endoscopy procedure today. They even showed me my actual catscan and explained everything to me and what they are most concerned about and why. Biggest concern at this point is the location of the tumor. It's dangerously close to a main artery so they need to determine if it is even operable. They won't be able to operate if it's attached or too close to the main artery, so will try to reduce it with chemo and radiation to a size that will allow them to remove it once it's far enough from the main artery. They took A LOT of blood work yesterday and chest x-ray to insure my lungs are well enough to undergo surgery. (I have bad asthma so that's why they're checking). Sounds like we will know a lot more by Tuesday when all the results from today's procedure will come in. From what I understand I will be out of it after the endoscopy today so will probably not get a chance to write again until later on Saturday to let you know what we learned and how I did. I can tell you this, I HAVE AN AWESOME MEDICAL TEAM working on my case. They are the best and people come from all over the country to be treated for pancreas cancer here so I'm in very good hands. Praying hard that the tumor is operable so they can just remove it right away! LIVE WITH PASSION! ~DJ

Careful What You Wish For!

2011-05-12T00:53:00.000-07:00

WOW! In a matter of minutes, we went from low idle to warp speed. MOVE OVER CANCER, I'M COMING IN HOT!! LOL Virginia Mason called today with a game plan: Consultation with PA Thursday (as in TODAY) at 2:15 along with lab work and chest x-ray. Friday Endoscopic Ultrasound Procedure. Next Wednesday (18th) meet with Dr. Ryan, Tuesday (24th) Laparascopy Surgery, Thursday (26th) meeting with Dr. Picozzi (my oncologist). There was mention of chemo treatment prior to surgery and location of the mass not being in a good area but good news it's it is not wrapped around anything yet. Sooooooo, let's get this party started! My Dad and step mom are hitting the road tomorrow in their RV (in Alabama) so should be here next week. Tanner took off for Jamaica tonight so I'm thrilled the news did not leak to him. You think you have questions?? I feel a bit sorry for this PA tomorrow because I'm going in with pages of them! LOL Tim will be by my side every appointment but thank you to all of you who have offered to go with me. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! Don't worry, there's no way a little piece of cancer can take over this redneck!! I love all your posts, thank you thank you thank you, they make me smile! LIVE WITH PASSION! DJ

FINALLY LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

2011-05-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

I just got a call from Virginia Mason letting me know they have received my health history/profile from Group Health and they have requested my full catscan be sent electronically so the surgeons can review and access which way to proceed which she said is one of two methods.........DOOR #1 Schedule surgery and remove the mass DOOR #2 Biopsy Endoscopy. Honestly, I'm not sure which one to hope for?? LOL
I am BEYOND relieved to finally be in the system and know that they will call me tomorrow to set up a series of appointments to begin my treatment/care. YEA!!!!! Margaritas on the house for everyone please!! BIG GROUP HUG!!! XOXOXOXO
LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Progress!

2011-05-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

I called the general surgery at Virginia Mason this morning and spoke with a nice gentleman that took all my information and is going to consult with the person that oversees all surgery and then he will call me back and get me scheduled for my biopsy! I explained I didn't have time to wait for some referral to be processed, I need to get on the scheudle PRONTO. He even said until they do the biopsy, they won't know for sure if it's cancer or not...........so I'm hoping for an amazing outcome here!! PRAY!!! LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Rough Monday

2011-05-10T04:48:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday didn't go as planned. The anxiously waited for phone call from the surgeon's office never came. Instead, my Dr. called to inform me that the surgeon he referred me too needed him to refer me outside my healthcare system to one of two specialist in Virginia Mason (Seattle) that specialize in Pancreas Cancer. Well, since my Dr. was out of the office Friday-Sunday, he didn't get the request until yesterday so back to the drawing board waiting for my healthcare provider to push my paperwork through their system. I decided to call customer service and explain to them that I had already waited four days and needed the referral rushed. The gal showed no mercy and said I just have to wait my 2-4 days for it to get processed. Even after I asked her how would she feel if she was told she had cancer. Still, "mam you just have to wait 2-4 days. Needless to say I feel apart..............drove straight to Heather's house and drank wine and let my emotions out. At this point, I feel like I'm just a name and a number a piece of paper being shuffled through some system. I decided to email my Dr. one more time begging for his help. He in turn called me twice last night explaining that I need to be very assertive in getting this appointment ASAP. He went on to explain this is pancreas cancer and time is NOT on my side. Today, I'm jumping ahead and calling both surgeons and scheduling a consultation assuming that by the time I get in to see one of them, my referral will be processed. I'm really hoping today goes better than yesterday. In the meantime, my Dr. is scheduling me for an upper GI ultra sound so they can get a better look at my pancreas. This will be helpful for which ever surgeon is assigned to me. I'm optimistic that I'm going to be in very good hands, it's just getting in them that is so frustrating. My Dr. also told me to call him if I run into any more walls and he'll do what he can, although he has no control over the schedules at Virginia Mason. I really feel like getting in to see one of these surgeons sooner rather than later is going to be the difference of beating this thing or it beating me! LIVE WITH PASSION!
(thank you Heather for being there for me and getting me calm down)
DJ

Monday Morning....

2011-05-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

Still anxiously waiting to hear from the surgeon. However, my Dr. did call me this morning to respond to the list of questions I had emailed him on Friday. Unfortunately, he couldn't answer most of them. He's perscribing some pain medication to get me through this, so that's good! However, when I asked if this was for SURE cancer, he replied that it would be extremely rarests of rares if it wasn't based on my Catscan so he told me to be mentally prepared for the worse. He also said he'd make another phone call to follow up on my referral since I've not heard from anyone yet on getting my surgery scheduled. I'm on pins and needles just waiting for my phone to ring today. I'd settle for anyone that wants to buy or sell a house though. LOL
The support from family and friends has been amazing.........reminding me of how lucky I am to be loved by so many people!! Thank you so much everyone for your prayers and support. I don't really know what's in store and what I'll need when, but I do know I need lots and lots of prayers!
Mother's Day is always a very emotional day for me so I didn't write. I wasn't feeling well most of the day but did get to have a wonderful breakfast with Tanner, and Ryan called me several times throughout the day. These two boys are my lifeline so for them............I WILL SURVIVE!!
Live With Passion,
DJ

the day after

2011-05-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday seemed to be one of the longest days of my life. Anyone that knows me knows I don't have a patient bone in my body. That phone call from the referred surgeon just could not come quick enough...in fact, it didn't come at all. Now I know I have the weekend ahead of me with no news and no plan. It's OK though!! I also never heard back any answers to the questions I emailed my Dr. I must have checked my phone for emails every 5 minutes yesterday ~ it was insane!!
On a positive note, last night was the first night in about 3 weeks that I didn't have ANY pain!! I have made the decision to be positive and optimistic about this new journey we're on. I say we, because you all know I don't do anything alone. LOL Well, OK maybe a couple things, but you know what I mean.
Tim and I celebrated this new beginning with margaritas and Mexican food (my favorite). To date, I think that is the most important toast in my life.
God has put me on this journey for a reason and I believe its to bring new people and new possibilities into my life to make it better. I know he's given me all the power within as well as the most amazing family and group of friends who will help me every step of the way. I'm blessed beyond words. I wish everyone had as much love in their life as me, then everyone would be happy and we'd all get along. Hmm, guess that's another blog all of it's own. LOL
Tim bought be some good vitamins that I have to take twice a day, and trust me, he'll make sure that I do, and he also has me back on my Popeye juice (veges juice through our Jack Juicer) so I'm going to take better care of myself as I just know there's a SKINNY Dawn at this end of this journey!
Telling Ryan was hard, although his gut had already told him something was wrong so the news didn't completely surprise him. I worry about him which is why he and Tanner are my two biggest reasons to fight harder for this than I ever have in my life.....I am their rock. Thank you for all your prayers!! I appreciate them as do all my friends and family!! LIVE WITH PASSION!
DJ

Day One...

2011-05-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

It was less than an hour after my catscan when my Dr. called me to share the results of my test on Cinco De Mayo. I was stunned to receive a phone call so quickly after the test??? I had only been home about 10 minutes when I got the call. He mentioned it was not good news and I have to be honest...I didn't hear much after pancreas adenocarcenoma..........
I immediately called my Dad and shared the gloomy news and I think I remained in shock for several hours and worried about how to tell Tim as well as my two sons. Second phone call was to my best friend Carmen who has already held my hand to hell and back a few times. She has been my anchor since my Mother died in 1999, and my best friend since 1991 (I met her at my 10 year high school reunion).
How do you tell your children you're up against the fight of your life FOR your life?? There will never be a right time or the right words..................Tanner leaves for vacation next week so I'll wait until he returns so I don't spoil his vacation. Ryan I'll call tonight (not looking forward to it).
For now..........I'm impatiently waiting for a call from the referred surgeon to schedule surgery (biopsy on my pancreas) so we can learn exactly what this journey ahead has in store for us!
I don't know who will follow this blog, if anyone, but this is the most emotional journey I've incurred and I'm a writer by nature so need to put this journey into words one moment at a time and this is the best way I can think of to do that. LIFE WITH PASSION!